Living in Texas, or I suppose anywhere in the South, country music just comes with the territory, if not the whole being of one’s soul. Odds are you exited your mother’s womb with either Garth Brooks or George Strait playing in the hospital room and an obnoxiously bedazzled belt buckle wrapped around your tiny little umbilical cord and it’s been honky-tonk sailing ever since, yes?
With my intensely opinionated sport’s column, The Blonde Side, part of what I take great pride in is finding hilarious and sometimes witty parallels of athletes to some variation of useless pop culture – this time country music shall be my muse.
It wasn’t long ago I compared NFL QBs to the cast of Jersey Shore, so why not take two staples in my everyday life and see what we come up with.
Below is my list of country music song titles and a pretty damn good comparison to an athlete or well-known sport’s story. I’m sure there are better options, so leave a comment if I missed a glaringly obvious parallel.
Ty Herndon – “I Can’t Do It All” – I think Giselle was heard singing this to Tom when he came out of the locker room.
James Otto – “Just Got Started Lovin’ You” – Chris Paul briefly started signing this to the Lakers before he changed his tune to Travis Tritt’s “It’s A Great Day To Be Alive” after signing that 4-year/$68mil deal with that other Los Angeles team.
George Strait – “I Saw God Today” – Tim Tebow. ‘Nuff said.
Joe Nichols – “The Shape I’m In” – Perhaps the tag team duo of Cecil and Prince Fielder?
Miranda Lambert – “Gunpowder & Lead” – *sigh* Must we talk about Plaxico Burress again?
Blake Shelton – “She Wouldn’t Be Gone” – “… if I had kept it in my pants.” Take your pick: Tiger or Kobe?
Rascal Flatts – “God Bless The Broken Road” – Remember the craziness of Michael Jordan getting cut from his high school basketball team? Look at him now with shoes people kill for. Literally.
Darius Rucker – “Comeback Song” – Drew Brees stating his case for MVP in second half of the season. Although it was enough for Hootie, it wasn’t quite enough for Drew.
Miranda Lambert – “White Liar” – The entire coaching staff at Penn State (ouch, too soon?)
Eli Young Band – “Crazy Girl” – Chris Chambers from the Chargers who actually married his stalker. Chambers in 2009: “Judge, that girl is CRAZY!” Chris Chambers in 2010: “Judge, that girl is my WIFE!” Who’s crazy now I ask you?
Sunny Sweeney – “Staying’s Worse Than Leaving” – Might be Steven Jackson’s anthem when his contract is up in 2014. To date: eight seasons, three Pro Bowls, 9,000 yards, Z-E-R-O playoff games. You decide.
Rascal Flatts featuring Natasha Beddingfield – “It’s Easy” – Floyd Mayweather, Jr. in the ring. Out of the ring? (Insert any other bad country song here)
Jason Aldean – “Tattoos On This Town” – None other than the Birdman, Chris Anderson.
Scotty McCreery – “The Trouble With Girls” – Chris Bosh. Poor guy.
Faith Hill – “Come Home” – All of Cleveland singing to LeBron during the draft and again right before The Decision. Cleveland fans quickly changed their tune.
Jake Owen – “Alone With You” – The song you don’t want to hear if you’re in a hotel room with Kobe
Billy Currington – “Pretty Good At Drinking Beer” – As Gronk so clearly displayed for us drowning his sorrows on the dance floor after the Super Bowl loss
Martina McBride – “I’m Going To Love You Through It” – Kobe’s wife after the hotel scandal (oops, can you tell I started this list before the $75mil deal went through?)
Alan Jackson – “Long Way To Go” – The theme song for the Dallas Cowboys the last 15 years
Craig Morgan – “This Ole Boy” – Simply change “ole” to “old” and “boy” to “boys” and you’ve got the Boston Celtics
Steve Holy – “Love Don’t Run” – And neither does Yao Ming.
Lady Antebellum – “Love Don’t Live Here Anymore” – Terrell Owens on every team he leaves. Soon he’ll be hearing this from the Indoor Football League from the team he actually owns!
George Strait – “Give It Away” – Kyle Williams in his recent playoff loss to the NY Giants
Chris Young – “Voices” – Mike Tyson and his crazy antics.
Billy Currington – “Like My Dog” – The obvious choice, Mike Vick.
Rascal Flatts – “I Won’t Let Go” – Brett Favre, you were cool and set a lot of records, but move along with retirement once and for all please.
Randy Rogers Band – “Lost and Found” – Wilson Ramos.
Carrie Underwood – “Change My Last Name” – A tie between Ocho Cinco (formerly Chad Johnson) and Metta World Peace (formerly Ron Artest).
Darius Rucker – “If I Had Wings” – My sweet little Muggsy Bogues coming in at 5ft 3in. Even without said wings, he was a doozie of a point guard.
Brooks and Dunn – “That Ain’t No Way To Go” – The country duo chastises LeBron and The Decision.
Tim McGraw – “Better Than I Used To Be” – Even at sixty, Shaq shoots better free throws now than he did as a member of the Orlando Magic.
Taylor Swift – “Fifteen” – Although she was 17, not 15, you gotta give this one to Giants superstar and hall of famer, Lawrence Taylor.