Dying to Tackle.

Team Brunette (Photo by Beauty in Art)

I was born with two HUGE assets. I guess you could say some call me lucky. My mother likes to refer to those assets as my ‘Heart and Soul’. (Really, what were you thinking?)

Luckily this heart and soul of mine is a well-balanced addiction between an undying love for football and charity work. So you can only imagine how jazzed I was when I was asked to play in a girls-only football game benefiting a charity I wholeheartedly support.

For the fifth straight year, The Alzies, the young committee supporting The Alzheimer’s Association Houston and Southeast Texas Chapter, are bringing back the Blondes vs. Brunettes (BvB) Powder Puff Football Game as a delightfully entertaining rough and tumble fundraiser.

At one time or another, my hair has been every color of the spectrum. It’s mostly blonde and mostly natural, but this month I’m proud to present The BRUNETTE Side in honor of my grandma, Edna who I lost in 2007 to Alzheimer’s. In honor of her dark-haired legacy stemming graciously from the 1920’s I’m playing on Team Brunette. On Saturday, May 15th the two worlds (hair colors) collide on Skip Lee Field at St. John’s with kickoff scheduled for noon.

Forget the old adage “who has more fun: Blondes or Brunettes?” The real question here is who plays football better? This is more than a game of pigtails, “accidental” tackles and the ability to don appropriately matching and colorful knee-high socks. This is one hell of a fundraiser for a disease that according to statistics and rate of new cases will sadly affect every one of us in some way. Since the inception of BvB in 2006, the girly game has raised over $343,000 for local programs and services in the Houston and Southeast Texas Area (over $94k has been raised this year alone thanks to the involvement of so many great people).

The series is split dead even with the Brunettes winning the first 2 years and the Blondes holding strong for the last 2 (they were victorious over the dark divas last year by a score of 44-38) and May 15th will finally give one hair color major bragging rights. Those goldilock gridiron wannabes better get ready because the brunette team still has wide receiver Elizabeth Rhoden (who scored 5 TDs last year giving Jerry Rice a run for this money) along with a string of other badass brownies. Elizabeth – I did my own little scouting report, and if anyone, I mean anyone with blonde hair or ties to the blonde community of bandits tries to offer you alcohol in any way shape or form, JUST SAY NO. That is their plan to stop you in your tracks and keep you out of the end zone which is precisely where we plan to send you throughout the entire game. If you do decide to partake in some pre-game alcoholic festivities, stick to drinks from your teammates, no one else. I never imagined asking a friend to do anything to the likes of T.O., but play the game just like him and trust no one. Just remember everyone is your enemy. And carry a sharpie in your sports bra for added emphasis.

A little birdie told me in my investigative scouting report that the platinum players plan to run their offense suitably known as “organized chaos” which means nothing to the brunettes. We’re all about pulling flags early (or was it pulling hair that Coach Dillingham told us to do?) and are used to the blondes getting confused or “chaotic” as Beau Evans refers to it. Either way, we’ve got the field stacked on both offense and defense.

Highlights:

As with any game, new rules come in to effect each and every season. In 2009 the big fuss was over none other than hair color. That’s right; Audreygate erupted after complaints from the brunette team over Audrey Hendricks hair color and eligibility to play for the Blonde Team.

New this year, girls are only permitted to play the 1st and 3rd or the 2nd and 4th quarters, which is going to make the matchups critical. Coaches have their jobs cut out for them this year and are conferring whether to stack up one side or balance it out and no ones giving clues on their secrets. Luckily we have our own little Bill Belichick helping us out on scouting reports.
Join us as over 180 of Houston’s finest (and yes, I mean finest) young professionals and philanthropists will be playing coaching, refereeing, volunteering and raising money to tackle Alzheimer’s disease.

There is no cure for this sad and debilitating disease affecting over 5 million American’s and is the 7th leading cause of death. If you’re looking for a tight end, don’t worry I’ll be there…and so will Houston Texans TE Owen Daniels as one of the Blonde coaches. The sidelines and coaches line up is well worth the $20 donation for tickets. Visit BvBhouston.org for tickets (and be sure to purchase under the Brunettes team)!

Warning to the goldilocks girls: We, the Brunettes have been practicing and training like Rocky, memorizing plays like Peyton, running routes in our Louboutins, and even dislocated a few voluptuous body parts all while fundraising our tight ends off. We have been trained by the likes of a K-9 unit following Michael Vick through an airport. Come Game Day, Bring It. And be ready for a crushing defeat in front of all of Houston. And I wouldn’t worry about practicing your end zone dances too much seeing as you have to actually score a touchdown to do the dance. Just saying.

This article was written in jest and for love of the game, so please don’t think I really want to beat up any blondes or am encouraging you to do so you crazy animals. I just want to win the game, raise lots of money and have a grand ole time.

Sporty Sponsors:

Tasti Dlite (presenting sponsor), Vintage Lounge (Blondes team), 2125 Yale Lofts (Brunettes team), Belvedere Lounge (Blondes cheerleaders), The Ticket Experience (Brunettes cheerleaders), Silver Eagle Distributors, Simmons and Company International, Lockton, Oceaneering, Energy XXI, Andrews Kurth, Roula from 104.1 (announcer).

BvBhouston.org for to make a donation or purchase tickets for the game.

[This article ran in Barstool Magazine May 2010 issue.]