What Happens in Vegas is Terrible

Vegas Day Club, Day 1 (not so bad, right?)

For those who may not be familiar with the phrase Day Club, it’s simply a club during the day. Ok, I’m being an ass. Basically it’s the adult-only pools in Vegas that require quite a bit of money to get through the line and are overflowing with overpriced drinks, water you probably wouldn’t let your unborn son swim in, copious amounts of unfinished and faded tribal art, and more rules than an 8th grade Catholic school.

I’m sure a handful of people will read this piece and think, Oh this girl’s lame, she must not have had any fun – what a loser. And you’d be wrong. I did have fun. Quite a lot of fun, honestly, but I feel compelled to paint a fairly accurate picture of one of these said “Day Clubs’ through my eyes. And my mom says I’m not a loser.

Since I’m a travel writer, I don’t really want to knock anyone’s facilities, so for now, I’ll omit the names. If you’re familiar with Vegas, you can probably make an educated guess at A, B and C.

Pool A

Upon arriving in Vegas early morning, I stumbled upon a man who worked at the hotel we were staying at. While one of the girls was checking us in, two of us stood in the lobby and and struck up a conversation with him. We asked for tips on the best “pools” (not knowing we were using the wrong vernacular) and he recommended (obviously) the Adult Pool at this particular hotel. He made a call and put the four of us on the VIP list. Upon walking through the entire property, we stumbled upon two lines – one was VIP, the other was the regular entrance. Since we got hooked up in VIP, the guy in our party tipped him $20 as a courtesy. The “regular folk” in the general line each had to pay $80 for guys and $50 for girls, just to enter.

Then we proceeded to a security checkpoint line where I was told I couldn’t bring my GoPro inside or the selfie pole that attached to it. The guy in our group was wearing a tank top with the #10 on it (in a floral pattern), but he was told that it resembled a jersey too much so he was asked to check his shirt for $10. Not to remove it and put it in a bag, but to check it. Same for me with my GoPro. Add another $10 on to my tab and $10 onto his. Then I had to go through another security checkpoint (different guy) who opened up my cross-body lululemon bag with what seems like hundreds of pockets. Each and every pocket was searched along with all ten of my lip-glosses, which were opened and then smelled. I had gum in my purse – not allowed. My friend had mints – not allowed. I also had allergy medicine – not allowed. I could either check that stuff (for another $10 because I no longer had access to check stuff with my old stuff) or throw it out. Then we went through one more checkpoint (exact same procedure opening everything in my bag, including the lip glosses) and could almost see the pool…I mean club. But wait, one more checkpoint, this time a pat-down by an overzealous, burly security guard.

Having just gotten off the plane from Houston, I assure you the pat-downs and security checkpoints at this Day Club were much more in-depth than TSA, which is equal parts annoying and scary.

And we’re in! Finally. And that was being VIP! The pool was absolutely packed, the World Cup was on a huge projection screen over the pool (which was incredibly awesome), the setup was nice (unless you needed somewhere to sit) assuming you didn’t want a $2,000 cabana to rent for a few hours. Off to the bar we go and I order a pretty hefty sized blueberry vodka, sprite and cranberry juice–$41. Refills? Of course not. Enough vodka to do the trick all damn day? Of course n…well, almost.

Hanging in the pool, dancing, and people watching was fun, until we had to keep refilling (and paying for) our drinks. I was at the pool for about four hours, and my bar tab (no food) was over $400. Oh, and I’m a girl. But it was fun. Probably my favorite Day Club during this trip.

Pool B

For starters, Pool B was a maze. We asked about 20 staff throughout the hotel and casino

Drinking Moet in a bikini – is there anything better?

where this Day Club was (again, not the regular pool) and finally made it after being searched (barely) by one guy who just opened our bags. It was $20 for girls to get in and $50 for guys (our total was $160 just to get inside the pool). The guy at the door noticed my Texas driver’s license and he happened to have grown up here – very nice guy. As our last guy walked in, he handed the money back to him (all $160) and just said he was taking care of his Texans. We ended up tipping him $40, which he was hesitant to take, but I stuffed it in his pockets. Probably the nicest, most down-to-earth guy we met all weekend.

We see a much smaller pool than the day before, and we were there pretty early so it was wide open. The only “seats’ at this pool were daybeds/cabanas you had to buy or to set your towel around the perimeter of the pool.

The guys in our group wanted to buy a bottle ($400 for a bottle of Grey Goose, which came with three free mixers and we ordered six Sugar-Free Red Bulls–$63), which luckily, got us a daybed where we could relax and stake our claim. We ordered food, of course not cheap, but pretty tasty.

We did a round of Fireball, which in hindsight, was beyond stupid. Sitting in the sun and it still only being 1pm and all, but we rallied. I don’t even want to know what a round of Fireball cost…

Pool C

This is the Day Club/Pool I’ve been hearing people rave about for at least a year or two since it opened. It’s the reason you are supposed to extend your Vegas trip an extra day (to leave on Monday). This Day Club in particular was the first time I realized that douchebags are in fact high rollers. Either that or they save up every last dollar they have to attend one of these.

The guys in our group were smart – they had already called ahead and reserved a cabana – which comes with your own waitress and a minimum. The minimum for our cabana was $1400 – that meant during the time we spent there, our bill had to be AT LEAST $1400 (not including the automatic 18% gratuity, the taxes and the live entertainment fee, which is later added on). And the $1400 minimum here was the cheapest cabana – the ones in front of us (with a better view of the pool and stage) started at $2500. $1400 might sound like a lot (it still is), but when each drink is $45 and there are five people in your party, it goes fast. Really fast.

Here (of course), we went through another vital checkpoint (x2) where our bags were opened and objects pulled out in plain sight (like my bikini from the night before?). A friend had a makeup compact with a mirror in it and we were told nothing with a mirror was allowed to enter, so trash it went.

A huge pool, great music and even better people watching. If they say the freaks come out at night, then it must be accurate to say the douchebags come out during the day?

The Blonde Side: 0 | Vegas: 1

I will end this piece with my favorite story of the trip. While in Pool C, a guy swam up to me while I was sitting on the edge and started to flex his muscles, without saying a word. He waded there awkwardly for at least 30 seconds still flexing and kissing his biceps in the most awkward way until I say, “What are you doing? Are you saying those are big?” all the while laughing at this character whose arm tribal band of course stops halfway, probably because it was too painful on those big muscles.

Him: “Yeah these guns are huge.”

Me (with an annoying drunk laugh): “Well sweetie, I’m from Texas where everything’s bigger – I wouldn’t brag about those.”

Him: “You (expletive, expletive, expletive) – I’m a 20x Olympic Gold Medalist Cage Fighter, I could rip you to shreds you (expletive, expletive, expletive).

Me: “Well that’s funny, because Cage Fighting isn’t even an Olympic sport…”

At this point, the unfinished tribal armband man decides to turn his aggression and attention to the guys in our group, who just so happened to be black and the guy starts calling them a name you might have been accustomed to hearing back in 1930. When our guys pay this knucklehead zero attention (smart move), he diverts his attention to perhaps one of the largest (and by largest I mean fattest) guys in the world, to where three security guards and his entire cabana entourage can barely hold him back. Picture Billy Bob from Varsity Blues, but add 100 lbs. and 15 years on the guy and there you have your visual image. And then add to that image the tribal armband douchebag and there you have the scene.

Vegas is still a fun place, but perhaps I’m just getting too old to party like that. I’m not a fan of having to “check” my items or have my belongings searched multiple times. Plus, I work for myself, so my money is very important to me.

If you are planning an upcoming Vegas trip, here are a few tips:

– Check the rules of any Day Clubs (and Night Clubs) you plan to visit. Some have very strict dress codes and then the weird stuff like “no gum.”

– Have plenty of cash. This may seem obvious when on vacation, but the ATM fees in Vegas are much steeper than your hometown. You can always redeposit your leftover money when you get home (if there is any).

– Go with a fun group. Odds are, you are going to run into quite a few douchebags during your stay, but if you’re with a good group, who cares?

– Leave the Affliction clothing at home (or better yet, donate it to Goodwill), and don’t talk about Crossfit. Let your abs and your muscles do the talking.

– As much as I love the slogan “What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas!” remember in the age of social media, that is not at all true.

– Have fun!

*Note, at all three Day Clubs, even hotel guests staying at that property had to pay a cover to get in. Bring your debit cards, kids.

This article originally ran on CBS Man Cave Daily. Click here to see it on their awesome site.