Texans Fans = Needy Girlfriends

Andre Johnson of the Houston Texans.

Andre Johnson of the Houston Texans.

The Houston Texans are good at quite a few things, one of which is staying relatively off the radar. There isn’t a ton of news going on in Houston’s offseason, the drama is fairly minimal (especially when paired next to Tom Brady’s team), and the stars shine just quite enough to get sufficient, but not overwhelming attention.

Training camp is the hottest in the league, but the guys are there to work hard, that’s it. But a quiet offseason leaves room for a lot of unanswered questions by the fans and the rest of the NFL.

Texans fans are now needy girlfriends when it comes to their beloved team. They’ve won the division title two straight years – it’s time to up the ante and get that engagement ring (also known as a trip to MetLife Stadium in February).

This football season has been dubbed by virtually everyone as the all-or-nothing season for the Texans. It’s like taking your girlfriend on a romantic vacation to Bora Bora – you better end that vacation on one knee and be ready to take your relationship to the next level.

Do or die. Marry me or I freak out. Super Bowl or bust.

Crazed Texans fans are ready for a ring (photo via Chron.com)

Crazed Texans fans are ready for a ring (photo via Chron.com)

For the Texans to get on that bended knee (aka get to the Super Bowl for those not following my ongoing analogies), there are a few things we must settle:

1. The Secondary. The Texans are slated to take on a ton of elite QBs this year – Manning, now in his second and stronger season after neck surgery, the always impressive Brady, Andrew Luck who is no longer a rookie, not to mention other new big names like Russell Wilson and the hot-bodied Colin Kapernick.

Last season the Texans were just 16th against the pass giving up an average of 225.8 yards/game. That’s right in the middle of the pack, neither great, nor bad.

If you dated a girl that was just average, does that scream engagement ring to you? I think not…

Is Ed Reed's hip OK to play?

Is Ed Reed’s hip OK to play?

2. Injuries. I hate talking about them, but they’re a big deal for any team. Star safety Ed Reed is still battling his hip injury (which he blames Tom Brady for), Foster isn’t currently taking reps, the status on Posey remains unknown and others are popping up.

“That’s part of football, so we’ll get them healthy and get them back out here,” Kubiak said after practice Wednesday afternoon.

Can the rest of this team stay healthy? This is single-handedly one of the most annoying things sports media folks talk about incessantly, and here I am talking about it. Awesome.

With 52 guys on a roster, and 300+lb men slamming their hard bodies into other 300+lb men, it’s inevitable injuries are going to happen. A lot. When guys are bobbing and weaving at unfathomable speeds and jumping over bodies, helmets, and cleats, odds are, someone’s going to get hurt. Probably a lot of someone’s, unfortunately.

3. Along with injuries come detailed conversations of the depth chart – that’s a big concern for Houston – do we have the depth to take over when our starters find themselves in the locker room getting looked at by medical personnel?

In relationships, backups and second strings aren’t looked at very fondly, but this is football and it’s all part of the game. (Seriously, never tell your girlfriend you have a backup though.)

4. Then comes the Schaub inquisition. Can he lead this all-star team the way they need to be led on the field? His numbers are fairly average, coming in 11th with a passer rating of 90.7 and throwing for 4,008 yards last season.

Last season, Schaub tied for 15th in touchdown passes (22) while ranking sixth in completion percentage (64.3), throwing just 12 picks in 544 passes.

5. We all know Texas is a conservative state, but that doesn’t mean our football has to be. Nor should it be.

Conservative play-caller Gary Kubiak

Conservative play-caller Gary Kubiak

Kubiak needs to move on from his conservative play calls, especially when it comes to 3rd and long, where the Texans are tied for 31st at converting to first downs.

For a more intense look at the Texans 3rd and extra long play calls, take a look at this Ultimate Texans article.

It seems we may get some answers to quite a few of these nagging questions in Week 3 when the Texans take on the defending champions in Baltimore. Until then, it’s all speculation.

Make no mistake, this is a championship roster. More so than it’s ever been.

There’s just one thing missing from this relationship: an intimate postseason.

For those inquiring minds, Super Bowl odds for Houston are currently 14/1 according to the LVH Sports Book in Vegas.

Oh, and if the Texans do make the Super Bowl this year (which yours truly is in fact predicting), that would make them the first Texas football team to vie for the Tiffany & Co. Vince Lombardi trophy in 18 years.

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Meet Moe (Again)

Photo Credit: Bob Levy

Photo Credit: Bob Levy

The life of an NFL Cheerleader: experienced by few, and understood by even fewer.

It’s more than a few hair flips and high leg kicks. It’s actually quite a bit more, including appearances at area hospitals, supporting charity events for the players and their wives, and active outreach programs to the military. It’s putting up with some crazed fans, staying in shape in order to avoid as much criticism as possible in those skimpy outfits we all wished we could dare wear, and learning to love and form a sisterhood with 30 other women. All while holding down a full-time job or being a full-time student.

I had the great pleasure of chatting with Morgan, who goes by Moe to most, a fourth year veteran of the Houston Texans Cheerleading Squad (HTC). This firecracker originally from Austin, TX has been awarded most-spirited (2012), rookie of the year (2011), and the Texans Care award (2013) through the organization, as well as being voted to go to the Pro-Bowl in 2012 by her cheer peers.

Moe graduated Cum Laude from Texas State University with a degree in Business Management, and currently works as a Business Development Representative in healthcare in addition to her association with the Texans. To say she’s a smart cookie would be an understatement. With her background and passion in sports, music, fitness, and entertainment, Moe considers it one of the highest honors to be an NFL Cheerleader, particularly for the Texans organization, which requires such a strong work ethic from top to bottom.

Moe is probably the first person I’ve ever met that actually likes doing ab exercises. She once entered a plank-off contest at her local gym where she snagged the winning time holding it for a whopping 12:01. I guess there is something to be said for core workouts after all. Here’s a look at our interview:

[Jayme] What are 3 words you think others would use to describe you?

[Moe] Determined, Happy, Friend

[Jayme] If we were playing your iPod/iPhone at a party on shuffle, what song would come on that would totally embarrass you?

[Moe] Is that You Mo-Dean by the B-52’s

[Jayme] Everything’s bigger in Texas – how does this apply to HTC?

Photo Credit: Bob Levy

Photo Credit: Bob Levy

[Moe] Our tryouts are always huge! Coach Alto calls it the biggest party of the year. We just had tryouts a few months ago and 1,100 showed up looking to claim their spot as an HTC. The competition is fierce and most definitely one of the most stressful times of the year. We have the biggest NFL cheerleader tryouts in the entire league!

[Jayme] What’s the biggest misconception about being an NFL Cheerleader and what’s your response to dispel this myth?

[Moe] I think the biggest myth is that cheerleaders aren’t smart. Each and every one of us either has a full-time or part-time job or is a full-time student. We work our butts off all day in the work place and then head to practice to prepare ourselves for our routines. I currently work as a Business Development Representative for UT Physicians Orthopaedic Department representing 45 Doctors. There is another girl who is a CPA, and we have full-time students acing their classes.

[Jayme] How do you motivate yourself to workout on a lazy day?

[Moe] It has become part of my routine. I know that when I get out of work I go to the gym.  Sometimes I might not workout as hard as other days, but I am in there pushing myself. Wearing the Texans uniform is definitely a motivator too! You want to look your best, you never know who is taking a photo or where they are when they are taking the photo, so you want to be in the best shape you can.

[Jayme] Speaking of that, as a cheerleader, your bodies are always being looked at and sometimes criticized. One day you’re too big, the next too small. How do you deal with that?

[Moe] It’s definitely hard and you are always told not to go read the comments, but it’s something I have a hard time avoiding. You have to take it all with a grain of salt and know that you have worked your butt off day in and day out to get where you are. We are in the public eye, so you are going to have people who are going to criticize us and praise us for one reason or the other. I remind myself that I am in an incredible position that I have dreamed about for years. I have worked incredibly hard to get where I am and I can’t let the negative comments hold me back from what I’m capable of accomplishing.

Photo Credit: Bob Levy

Photo Credit: Bob Levy

[Jayme] In a few sentences, what do your workouts look like in a week?

[Moe] As a team, this year we are going to start working out before practice for 30 minutes, but in the past we do the dances over and over and over again, so your stamina has to be on point. Outside of practice I do sprint intervals four days a week and one day of at least 45 minutes of straight cardio. I usually try and run at one of our parks around Houston for the cardio. Every 6 weeks I change my weight training, but I do 2 upper body workouts, slow and controlled 4 sets with 12 reps (heavy weight) and 2 lower body workouts.

[Jayme] As an HTC, your job is to cheer others on, but as strong women, even we need our own cheerleaders. Who is your biggest cheerleader?

[Moe] My parents are definitely my biggest motivators. They are my shoulder to cry on and the ones to push me to work harder and harder. They put strength in me to give me the ambition to get where I am today. They drive down for as many games as they can (they live in Austin) to cheer me on and show their unending support.

[Jayme] Each person has his or her balance of a good diet and exercise – some are split evenly 50/50 – what are you?

[Moe] I try to be as 50/50 as possible, but I definitely have my cheat meals, so I lean more towards exercise. If I miss a workout, I feel horrible. And I have a sweet tooth like no other. It’s hard for me to pass up on a Dairy Queen Blizzard!

So next time you hear someone criticize a cheerleader’s body or downplaying their huge roles as cheerleaders, remember Moe. Even the gals with the biggest smiles in town need encouragement too. We all do, it’s part of being women.

Follow Moe and cheer her on this season. She’s also a great source for fitness and diet questions. @HTC_Morgan or on Facebook.

To see the original blog on the Women’s Health Action Hero blog, click here.

To read The Blonde Side | Jayme Lamm’s profile on the Women’s Health Action Hero blog, click here.

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The Astros Suck

AP Photo/Keith Srakocic

AP Photo/Keith Srakocic

How do the Astros suck? Let me count the ways…

So I’ve come to the conclusion that the ladies from A League of Their Own could beat the hell out of the Houston Astros right now, which, yes, very much means that MADONNA could beat the ASTROS.

1. Drayton McLane – Drayton is like baggage in a relationship. You start dating someone new and soon find out they are a mess and can’t seem to move past what the last girl or guy did to them. It’s exhausting and a waste of time, but it’s just life. That is Drayton. He is “just life” for the Houston Astros.

2. Pitching – The Astros pitching staff is giving up home runs like it’s BP. Or the Home Run Derby. Who cares which? The Astros have the absolute worst ERA in baseball at 4.83 – that’s 0.91 higher than the MLB average. When it comes to home runs given up, the Astros are the second worst, having given up 117 already this season. I’m not Brad Pitt and this ain’t Moneyball, but those numbers don’t look good.

3. Who? The Astros roster feels a bit like speed dating. They aren’t interesting or “good enough” to catch your eye, so why even remember their names? A few years ago you’d see a jersey with a player’s name on the back and stop for a minute wondering if that was a big player from before your time, or maybe the guy’s last name he wanted custom stitched on his jersey? Welcome to 2013 at Minute Maid folks – none of us have any clue who our players are on the roster. You could probably make up a name and no one would be the wiser. Seriously, try it and see what happens.

4. The fallacy that everything is bigger in Texas. Clearly this doesn’t apply to the Astros unless we’re debating the loss column (currently 33-61). For starters, our payroll is not bigger. We spent so much money buying Carlos Lee Whataburger the past five years, and now we’re spent. Houston’s Opening Day Payroll was a lousy $24,328,539.  That’s $15mil less than the 29th smallest payroll of the Miami Marlins. There are at least three players, NOT TEAMS, that make more than the entire Astros payroll: A-Rod ($28m), Cliff Lee ($25.5.m) and CC Sabathia ($25m). And back to my A League of Their Own reference, that means that yes, Marla Hooch is bigger than Jose Altuve.

I’m not the best at math, but clearly there’s some sort of discrepancy there, yes?

Oops

Oops

5. The business inside Minute Maid. I guess it makes sense we can’t pay our players, we can’t even sell our outfield sponsorships, which many sports-biz related websites and an abundance of tweets have so kindly and pointed out. That’s what happens when your team sucks, people start to divert their attention elsewhere, like the snocones in the bathrooms or the glaring white space on the outfield wall where sponsors used to clamor to spend their millions for prime logo placement. Those days are long gone folks.

6. Where’s Waldo? There isn’t enough time to go over the dramatic happenings of the farm system, but where is all this good talent the Astros are drafting? The Astros take great pride in their draft picks (as they should), but why aren’t they bringing up those players who are excelling? Look what happened when we brought up Cosart recently only giving up two hits in eight innings of work? Or what about George Springer who’s still in Triple-A (.315 AVG, 26 HR, 72 RBI in AA & AAA combined) (17 games in AAA: .404 AVG, 7 HR, 17 RBU). The saying goes like this – if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

So that doesn’t apply here.

7. Fans. I heard this joke last night: What song do Houston Astros fans sing before the bottom of the ninth inning? A: Nobody knows. There’s never any of them left. Boom. It’s funny because it’s true.  I know that there are some hardcore and loyal fans out there. I know this because I’m friends with a few and the other few pretty much hate me on Twitter, so I hear you. You exist. But for the most part, you can’t be found anywhere within the confines of Minute Maid Park, or at a sports bar, or wearing the jerseys or supporting the team in any capacity.

I’m going to keep going here, so you can keep counting if you’d like…

–       Six losing streaks of 5 or more games this season

–       Errors: 69 (most in MLB)

–       Runs Scored: 351 (3rd worst)

–       Bat Avg: .235 (3rd worst…Yanks and Marlins worse)

–       Home Attendance: 18,271/gm (3rd worst…TB and Miami)

–       Overall Home & Road Attendance: 23,678 (2nd worst)

–       Average Age: 27.1 (2nd youngest: Miami 26.8)

A few jokes, just for fun…

Q: Whats the difference between the Houston Astros and a mosquito?

A: A mosquito stops sucking.

Q: What do the Houston Astros manager and Alex Trebek have in common?

A: Both of their jobs are in Jeopardy.

Click here for more “Astros Suck” jokes (some highly inappropriate).

So just how much do the Astros suck? You tell me…

This piece was part of The Blonde Side’s new sports segment airing on FOX26 Houston, Sports Uncensored.

*Thanks to The Blonde Side’s research assistant Adam Sahmel for the stats/figures in this piece and on air.

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In The Nude

Marlen Esparza in ESPN's Body Issue taken by Peter Hapak in Gleason’s Gym, Brooklyn, N.Y. Photo by Peter Hapak/ESPN.go.com

Marlen Esparza in ESPN’s Body Issue taken by Peter Hapak in Gleason’s Gym, Brooklyn, N.Y. Photo by Peter Hapak/ESPN.go.com

The thought of someone asking you to strip down and bare it all in front of millions sounds crazy right?

Well it sure did to Houston’s own Marlen Esparza,  who won a bronze medal in boxing at the 2012 London Olympic Games, when she was approached to be in the fifth annual edition of ESPN Magazine’s Body Issue.

“I don’t even like to wear shorts in public, so this was a big step,” Esparza joked.

The riveting issue, on newstands now, features 21 big-time athletes in a variety of nude poses, stressing the strength and muscular attributes of each of their diverse physiques and careers.

The mag features NFL ESPY nominee for “Best Breakthrough Athlete” Colin Kaepernick, 77-year-old golfer Gary Player, three-time Olympic Gold Medalist Kerri Walsh Jennings (who was photographed both before and after giving birth to her daughter in April), Mets’ pitcher Matt Harvey and others, including Esparza.

“I was approached by someone from ESPN and my first reaction was NO! I didn’t think I could do it or be comfortable, but after speaking to them, I realized they would make me comfortable. I also had to ask my boyfriend and dad for their thoughts and my friends for their opinion. In the end, the good outweighed the bad, so I said yes,” Esparza explained.

Strong back

While her training and physical regimen is unlike most women, her skepticism and insecurities of her body were right up there with most of us. “I don’t even like to wear shorts in public, so this was a big step,” she joked.

It’s no secret how hard Esparza has trained to get to where she is today and where she hopes to be tomorrow. Having trained hard as a flyweight boxer since 2001, her favorite body parts include her legs and her strong back. “Most girls would hate it [a strong back], but it makes me a better boxer so I appreciate it,” she adds.

“I wanted to show people it’s OK to love yourself and be proud in your own skin.”

Although she got the pre-authorization go-ahead from all the important people in her life (like her dad and boyfriend), Esparza still had a few unsettled butterflies before the mag hit newstands two days ago. “I’m still nervous about my dad. Super nervous actually. Or if my dad’s friends see it, I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable,” she said.

Esparza’s decision to pose for the mag was two-fold. “I wanted to show people it’s OK to love yourself and be proud in your own skin.  I also loved the idea that I would be the first Olympic female boxer in the issue. I love being first,” she says with the biggest grin imaginable.

Esparza’s biggest claim to fame thus far is being the first flyweight to represent the US in the 2012 Olympics during the debut of women’s boxing in London last summer.

Ready for what?

The much-anticipated photoshoot took place at Gleason’s gym in NYC. “It was very awkward because I had to bounce around and hit bags nude. At first I posed with a robe, and when the photographer said he was ready, I was like ‘Ready for what?’ We all knew he meant take off the robe but I couldn’t do it right away. Everyone laughed because it took me a few minutes,” the boxer confesses.

“Happiness is a choice, and I would rather have a nice body I work on than a nice body I was born with. You can always improve yourself with hard work.”

It’s no secret posing of this nature in front of so many people took some serious guts, but I asked the Olympian a very simple question – “What would you say to someone who isn’t happy with their body?”

Her even more simplistic answer: learn to be.

“Happiness is a choice, and I would rather have a nice body I work on than a nice body I was born with. You can always improve yourself with hard work. You can’t change everything but you can improve it,” she continued.

And don’t feel bad for staring as ESPN has given you their complete and expressed permission. “It’s OK to stare. That’s what The Body Issue is here for. Each year, we stop to admire the vast potential of the human form. To unapologetically stand in awe of the athletes who’ve pushed their physiques to profound frontiers. To imagine how it would feel to inhabit those bodies, to leap and punch and throw like a god. To … well, gawk. So go ahead; join us,” the Mag says on ESPN.com.

You probably won’t be the only one starting either. Esparza admits that if she could choose any athlete to be in The Body Issue, she’d pick Cristiano Ronaldo who plays for Real Madrid. In her own words, “He’s probably one of the hottest guys on earth!” she gushes.

Since putting her clothes back on, the next step for the boxer is another national title and world championship next year.

 

This article appeared in the Sports section of Culture Map as well as one of their Top Stories. Click here to see the original piece.

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Game Seven (photo via ESPN)

GAME SEVEN

Game Seven (photo via ESPN)

Game Seven (photo via ESPN)

Like every big championship or postseason, everyone has an opinion, including but limited to your local barista who probably doesn’t speak a lick of English yet somehow is convinced LeBron sucks.

Let’s get this out of the way; I’m a Heat fan. And for the sake of everyone calling me a bandwagon, it’s been documented on the world wide web for many years, but for you newbies, it dates back to 1995 when my neighbor, Alonzo Mourning, was traded to South Beach…err, Miami. So while it’s true I do love me some King James, chalk and all, the dude was in elementary school when I became a fan, and the same goes for the remaining parties in the Big Three.

But this NBA Finals matchup isn’t a piece of cake and it’s worthy of numerous debates and analytics – this isn’t Miami sweeping the Bucks or San Antonio dominating that trendy purple team from Los Angeles – this is the finals and these teams, both chock full of veterans are vying for the very same Larry O’Brien Championship Trophy. The series now tied at 3, all comes down to what ESPN calls the best two words in sports: Game 7. And I couldn’t agree more. (Although, it does seem rather pointless to have played six games which now seem completely irrelevant since it’s yet again back to the final score of one final game…)

Miami went into the finals with a franchise-best regular season record of 66-16 (yeah, that same team that went on a 27 game win streak earlier this year but can’t seem to win back-to-back in the postseason) and San Antonio with an almost equally impressive 58-24, who have been manhandling the Heat the same way the Kardashians did Kris Humphries.

If the Spurs win, it would be the fifth title in 15 years finally designating them as a Dynasty in many eyes, and if the Heat win, it’d be a back-to-back title win and the third in eight years – certainly not a bad matchup for a much anticipated series. Not to mention, with these two teams and their coaches’ decision to rest their big men in their only meeting earlier this year where Miami swept San Antonio 2-0, we don’t have much to gauge it on, who can guard who and who’s going to go off – most of it is just speculation, and CONGRATULATIONS, there you have 99% of all sports conversations EVER.

I get that most of y’all hate seeing one of those big-market teams dribble their way into the finals – unless you’re a hardcore Miami, LA or New York fan, you don’t really want to see them make it all the way, but you have to admit it makes for an interesting and entertaining series, one that NBA and TV execs are reveling in, as am I.

But let’s take a minute to debunk the biggest myth about this matchup that’s going around like a dirty rumor in a sorority house:

Age:

Believe it or not, as most media are desperately trying to make you believe, this isn’t an old geezer of a team competing against a brand spanking new squad with young legs. It isn’t David vs. Goliath, to be frank; it’s the Miami Heat against the San Antonio Spurs, a pretty damn even matchup, which this series, now tied, has very much indicated.

As Michael Rosenberg with SI wrote last week, “Yes everyone, the San Antonio Spurs are so old, the jokes about them being old are old. The biggest problem with the jokes? The Spurs are younger than the Heat.“

According to Rosenberg, in Game 1, the average age of a San Antonio player was 29.5 while the average age of a Miami player was 30.3. Sure, there’s a pretty hefty age gap between head coaches Spoelstra and Popovich, and even though Tim Duncan has played in an NBA Finals game in three separate decades, it isn’t nearly the disparity many think.

Miami: LeBron James: 28, Chris Bosh: 29, Dwyane Wade: 31, Shane Battier: 34, Mike Miller: 33, Udonis Haslem: 33, Ray Allen: 34

San Antonio: Tim Duncan: 37, Tony Parker: 31, Manu Ginobili: 35, Danny Green: 25, Kawhi Leonard: 21, Tracy McGrady: 34

And speaking of Tracy McGrady, that brings me to another very valid point, especially for those in good ole Texas, specifically Houston…

Do y’all really want to see San Antonio win this thing and hoist up that Larry O’Brien trophy just 200 miles West of us?

I see a lot of Houston rooting for San Antonio and I can’t figure out why. Is it that Texas pride bottled up inside you that just doesn’t die? Is the hatred for Kobe Bryant so far gone that the Texas folk are clamoring to see Tim Duncan get his fifth ring, which would tie him with the Black Mamba? Do y’all really hate Miami that much and if so, why? You can’t still be angry about The Decision, can you?

These are all questions the loud-mouthed fans at the bar can’t seem to answer when I pose them. Have y’all not forgotten about that T-Mac guy? Even Amanda Bynes could have handled his potentially faux injury causing him to hobble off the court and give up on the Rockets while still racking in a good portion of their salary cap. Rockets fans can’t want a guy who quit on them to win a ring, especially after joining a contender’s bench the last possible week of the season, can they? Is the I-10 rivalry only relevant in the regular season or just within the confines of our great ginormous state? What would Moses Malone think of you Red Rowdies jumping on the “Beat the Heat” bandwagon? Wow, sorry, lots of rhetoricals for ya.

But here’s my biggest question of all:

For those of you simply rooting for San Antonio because you “want to see a Texas team win,” let me ask you this – would Texans fans ever root for the Cowboys? They are still in Texas, am I right?

And just in case you aren’t a big basketball fan and looking for a reason to tune into the Finals, maybe one of these will help:

  1. Try counting the number of tattoos on Birdman (and see how many times he shoves guys in the paint)
  2. Check out the Heat Hater signs in the stands or marriage proposals or baby-daddy proclamations to LeBron
  3. Join the Twitter conversations and see what’s trending for the game. When LeBron lost his headband in the fourth quarter of Game 6, even the most novice sport’s fan would have been highly entertained.
  4. Who flops more: Chris Bosh, Shane Battier, LeBron James and Manu Ginobili (make a friendly wager with a friend during the game or that cute guy/girl next to you at the bar).

On a parting note, did you know Duncan, Parker and Ginobili are the only three teammates to make the NBA Finals four times who did not play for the Los Angeles Lakers or Boston Celtics? That sounds like a pretty Big Three if you ask me…

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LeBron #NoHeadband

#NoHeadband

LeBron #NoHeadband

LeBron #NoHeadband

Twitter does this funny thing during a big sporting event – it goes off, even when Chris Bosh doesn’t. There are many times Twitter and their beloved hashtags become more entertaining than the game itself. If last night wasn’t such a H-U-G-E comeback for the Heat in Game 6, Twitter and the #NoHeadband trend would have had my full attention.

LeBron losing his headband in the 4th quarter had the same effect a wardrobe change at a strip club does – it changes the game entirely. Losing that headband coincided exactly with the Heat turning around the subpar game of basketball they had been playing the previous three quarters. Or maybe it was also the yellow rope the arena crew was sectioning off in preparation for the inevitable Spurs postgame NBA Finals trophy presentation.

After two back-to-back postgame press conference questions fervently asking The King “about the play you lost your headband,” and SportsCenter noting that by 1am, there were 107 fake LeBron headband Twitter accounts, the headband thing took on a life of its own.

User @brendanohare hit the scenario head-on (no pun intended) with this tweet:

Imagine being someone who doesn’t follow sports and trying to figure out the connection between basketball and headbands right now—
Brendan O’Hare (@brendohare) June 19, 2013

We’re all still speculating and ramming our own recommendations down Twitter’s throat wondering if LeBron does in fact goes sans headband tomorrow night for the final game of the season, the same game ESPN says are the best two words in sports: Game 7.

For now, here are some of the funniest LeBron Headband tweets I saw floating around those crazy interwebs:

https://twitter.com/BrianMFloyd/status/347191779797377026

Racking up another triple-double and forcing winner takes all Game 7, Heat fans all across the country are pretty damn happy that headband was MIA.

To see all the funny tweets in the original article on CBS Man Cave Daily, click here.

You can also follow me on Twitter: @jaymelamm – although, full disclosure, I’m not nearly as funny as these characters. The witty nature comes and goes.

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The Blonde Side's legroom at Astros Game

10 Advantages of an Astros Game over an NBA Finals Game

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The Blonde Side's legroom at Astros Game

The Blonde Side’s legroom at Astros Game

In a short span of 24 hours I went from the raging and intoxicating excitement of Game 5 of the NBA Finals in San Antonio to a Monday night Astros game in Houston. Let that sink in for a minute. That’s like driving a Bugatti and then having to hitchhike.

Rather than going the negative route, which I often do with the Astros, I figured I’d play Positive Peggy and list some of the benefits of such a dismal turnout at Minute Maid Park – things that were a bit more difficult at AT&T Center just the night before were a piece of red velvet cake last night. Fervent yawning aside, even on a four-game win streak for the Astros, there were some advantages to having the 1,263,240 square-foot ballpark all to yourself and just a few close friends.

10 Benefits of Attending an Astros Game you won’t find at the NBA Finals

10. Free Tickets. Having worked for the Astros years ago, it’s not terribly hard to get free tickets, but walking up to Minute Maid Park last night, people were practically begging you to take tickets off their hands. And good seats too. (Opposed to the $650 ticket price for Game 5.)

9. Free and Easy Parking. Yup, just like the Dierks Bentley song. No need to arrive early to sit in traffic and be on the lookout for a spot, and no need to try and “beat the crowd” upon exiting, unless of course you’re just that bored, which is understandable.

8. Cell Phones. What was impossible the night before, took just seconds last night. We were able to post photos to Facebook and download that new Taylor Swift album with ease, as opposed to the FAILED message I got trying to upload an Instagram photo the night before that subsequently drained my entire battery.

Also, please note the difference in comments received. At Game 5 they were along the lines of “OMG, so jealous, I love your life, I wish I was there!” At the Astros game they were more like “Wow, you must be bored” or “Wouldn’t you rather be watching hockey or catching up on sleep?”

7. Leg Room. Stretch out and relax, this isn’t a United flight and there’s no one in front of you to make it awkward to prop your feet up.

6. Team Store. Want an Astros shirt? No problem! They have them in EVERY SINGLE SIZE (as opposed to Game 5 where there were slim pickins’).

5. Upgraded Seats. At MMP, there’s no need to wait for the StubHub Move of the Game for better seats, just get up, act like you belong, and go sit behind homeplate. Bring all your friends too, because there will be open seats all around you.

4. Discounted Beer. I’ve gone to more games than I can count in my lifetime and have never been offered a discounted beer. The Aramark beer vendors were so bored the guy in our section offered us a $7.50 Bud Light for $5. #Winning

3. No Lines. Not for bathrooms, beer or food. And probably not to go on the field and shake the players’ hands either, but I’m just guessing there. At Game 5 you’d miss at least 5 flops per team just by trying to use the restroom.

“Wow, that is so much more than I ever asked to hear about plushies.”

2. Conversations with Orbit. Although “Mascot Rules” indicate a professional mascot cannot speak while in costume, the furry guy was so bored he hung out snapping photos and being silly. Although the downside was he hung out a little too long and started to creep everyone out, even the children.

1. Social Media Contests. Every stadium runs social media contests for fan involvement to promote their sponsors. Last night, the video board (the largest in MLB, mind you), ran a contest for Wich Wich asking fans to tag #Strowich on Twitter to win some ham and cheese concoction. Seven minutes after the contest ran on the board, just ONE fan used the hashtag. ONE. Even better, she just used the hashtag and said nothing else. Congrats on your new sandwich Astros fan and I’m sure Wich Wich is throughout impressed with their ROI on that promotion.

For you number folks: I realize the baseball outing was just one of 81 regular season games at home and the other was an NBA Finals game, but there were 18,581 in attendance at the Spurs/Heat game (of a total capacity of 18,591) and only 13,870 (if you buy those numbers) in attendance at the Astros/White Sox game (of a total capacity of 40,950).

To see this original article on The Blonde Side’s CBS Man Cave Daily column, click here.

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A Disgruntled Heat Fan’s Observations From Game 5 in San Antonio

San Antonio, first of all, congrats on your successful blackout. Wait, nevermind.

Let me back up and start with this – I am in fact a disgruntled Miami Heat fan (not to be confused with a bandwagon disgruntled Heat fan), so any comments alluding to “she’s just pissed her team lost” will be rightfully ignored, dismissed and mocked because you my friend, are stating the obvious.

Here is my list of the 10 most annoying/random observations from my friend Drew and I last night at AT&T Center:

10. Hootie! I loved seeing Hootie sing the national anthem, but having Blowfish there would have been icing on the cake.

9. Inside Secrets. It was very San Antonio of you to have a mariachi band play a timeout at center court, but from a newbie to this arena, I was confused why this marked the loudest Spurs fans got all night. Were they talking shit about LeBron in Spanish and I just wasn’t aware? As always, I’m confused.

taco cabana

Nothing says KISS CAM like melted cheese San Antonio

 

8. Taco Cabana Kiss Cam. Call me a hopeless romantic, but don’t most stadiums/arenas have a more fitting sponsor for the in-game kiss cam? In Houston, they have a dentist promising beautiful smiles. But this go round in San Antonio, y’all have the Texan Taco Bell equivalent. Nothing spells romance like melted cheese. (Actually, that does sound awesome…).

lasik

Text LASIK for a bad officiating call in the NBA Finals 2013=

7. Text LASIK To 45384. Was it just me, or was it an eerie coincidence this particular advertisement only came up when there was an officiating call that didn’t go San Antonio’s way? Me thinks good ole David Stern would not endorse this particular sponsorship.

6. My homeboy, Alonzo Mourning. This guy is the whole reason I became a Heat fan back in 1995, and he was in attendance looking mighty dapper. But Zo got shitty seats, about six rows up from the court. I realize it’s an away game, but it’s ALONZO MOURNING. What happened to that Southern hospitality?

5. Rick Fox is not a VIP. Among other notable things, this cat was married to the beautiful Vanessa Williams, but the 3x NBA Champ had to go through the common folk entrance in front of a bunch of intoxicated and obnoxious fans (myself included) – just felt weird.

4. 80’s Cover band dressed like the Spurs Silver Dancers. The after party and free concert, Overtime, just outside the arena, featured a free concert from the entertaining 80s hair band Metal Shop. Metal Shop coincidentally was dressed very much like the Spurs dance team, keeping the crowd pumped up after the big win.

san antonio

The Coyote, sans pants

3. The Coyote. Does anyone else not think it’s super creepy the mascot wasn’t wearing pants? If I walked around the arena in just a Spurs jersey and no pants, I’d be arrested. Or the fact he had more costume changes (sometimes wearing game shorts or leather chaps) than Mariah Carey on an episode of MTV Cribs? Or the fact he was using a tiny piece of notebook paper with the words “GET LOUD” barely legible in black ink? With his feeble attempt at poster board signs, puffy paint and construction paper as props, I’m scared to ask if a small child is missing half his science project somewhere around the San Antonio area. The only sign that was big enough to see had upside down words! And perhaps it’s important to note that only in Texas can someone dressed in costume stand in front of 18k+ people and shoot a gun into the crowd.

2. The Blackout that wasn’t. This was the worst blackout ever for multiple reasons. Even when the team gave 18k+ fans a FREE Spurs t-shirt on their seats before the game, only 1/3 actually wore the shirts (or anything black). Oh and by the way, did anyone realize it was Miami who wore black uniforms during your beloved blackout while the Spurs wore white? Was there some miscommunication there?

1. Chris Bosh. 

In all honestly, San Antonio dominated my home team last night and deserved to take the series 3-2. The fans were friendly and despite the loss and dismal play by Miami, it was a great atmosphere for any sports fan. As I mentioned to my friend Drew after the game, I proclaimed Miami is a much better team than San Antonio, to which he casually and intelligently replied, “that’s why it’s a 7-game series – whoever wins is the better team.”

To read this original article and The Blonde Side’s column on COED Magazine, click here.

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Meet Moe

God Blessed Texas with HTC Morgan (photo courtesy Bob Levy)

God Blessed Texas with HTC Morgan (photo courtesy Bob Levy)

There’s this crazy misconception about NFL Cheerleaders – that they’re stupid, only in it to date players, don’t have “real” jobs, don’t know jack about the actual sport they’re cheering for… the list goes on and on. But it’s a pretty ignorant list if you’ve met 99% of these gals that suit up on NFL Sunday (which now also includes Mondays, Thursdays, and Saturdays) to dance and cheer and hair flip for everyone’s enjoyment.

Meet Morgan, or Moe as everyone calls her, of the Houston Texans Cheerleading (HTC) Squad. Taking her spot in the red, white and blue glorious lineup for her fourth straight year, Moe is no rookie when it comes to dancing in front of 70,000 screaming fans inside Reliant or to the sport she’s loved since she was a child. (That’s Battle Red, Liberty White, and Deep Steel Blue to be exact for you Texans fans.)

Originally from Austin, TX, Moe has led quite the exciting lifestyle, becoming a backup dancer for big country stars like Big and Rich and Trace Adkins. Moe happily calls Houston home now and spends her days as a Business Development Representative for a prominent Orthopedic Group in the Texas Medical Center while her nights and weekends are spent proudly representing the Houston Texans.

The HTC is known around the league as the squad with a more hip-hop approach than most of the others, thanks to Coach Alto, and Moe fits that mold perfectly. “I like the style that Coach Alto puts in. We’re a little more hip-hop, and that’s my strong suit. Obviously I backup danced for country stars so the little bit of hillbilly we add to it fits me just fine too,” Moe jokes.

We all know the simple truth that everything is bigger in Texas, and cheering is certainly no different. “Dancing in front of 70,000 people, you have to be huge,” Moe explains. “Your personality has to show – every facial expression counts. I have to exaggerate all my moves – my smiles, my walks, everything. People can spot me out from a ton of rows up. They aren’t dancers critiquing you, they want to see you’re enjoying the game.”

HTC Moe doing her thang at Reliant (photo courtesy Bob Levy)

HTC Moe doing her thang at Reliant (photo courtesy Bob Levy)

But being an NFL cheerleader isn’t all glitter and pillow fights. “We work hard. We do a minimum of 40 appearances a year, and you have to maintain a full-time job or be a full-time student. We have practices 3 days a week, but you have to practice before practice. Practice isn’t for learning; you’re supposed to already know it. We learn four new dances for every game plus 12 sidelines plus 10 fillers. Then there are the workouts…” as she trails off. Clearly it’s exhausting just talking about all the hard work that goes into this passion of hers.

Moe was voted Rookie of the Year in 2011, Most Spirited in 2012 and voted the cheerleader to represent her team at the Pro Bowl in 2012. The internet has also dubbed the blonde bombshell as one of the most photographed cheerleaders in the league. And it’s easy to understand why Moe flashes her pearly whites so often. The girl is happy with her life all around and thankful for where she is. She doesn’t take a single day for granted, especially her numbered days in that coveted HTC uniform. “You only get to put your Superman suit on for so long – that’s what my cheerleading outfit is, and then I go back to being a normal person. Football players are somebody years down the road, but cheerleaders, we come and go. Maybe that’s why we’re always smiling,” she says.

Enough with words! Sometimes pictures are all you really need, especially with cheerleaders, so here’s a gallery of the lovely Moe.

You can follow Morgan on Twitter and LIKE her page on FB.

And be sure to follow @TexansCheer on Twitter – this group of social media hotties has more followers than 13 NFL teams, 19 MLB (including their hometown Houston Astros), 19 NHL, 19 NBA and 20 MLS teams. Clearly these gals are doing many things right. (Stat via Matt from the Everything NFL Cheerleaders account on Twitter @NFLCheerRT.)

To read this original article on The Blonde Side’s column on CBS Man Cave Daily, click here.

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HTC Tryout Tips

HTC Cheerleader Tryout Tips

What it really takes to become an NFL cheerleader: Most Beautiful squad’s coach gives Texans tips

The big day is almost here. Houston Texans Cheerleader tryouts start Saturday.

You’ve detoxed, spray tanned, touched up those roots, whitened your smile and practiced your highest kicks — but there are still a few more things you can do to up your chances of making the beloved Texans’ cheerleader roster. It won’t be easy. The Texans were named the Most Beautiful Cheerleaders in the NFL after all.

Although registration is closed, odds are, you know one hot lady who needs some last minute tips.

I had the chance to chat with Alto Gary, the only cheer coach in the 10-year history of the Texans franchise, about last minute tips for cheerleader hopefuls. Coach Alto has a tough task ahead of her — choosing approximately 32 women out of the expected 1,000-plus who will strut their way into the Methodist Training Center for tryouts. Although she’ll have some help thanks in part to a few social media contests, Alto has the final say in who makes the squad.

It’s always taken a lot to be a Texans cheerleader, but if you yearn to be part of the squad that reps the back-to-back AFC South Champs — or just want to know what hurdles must be leaped — follow Alto’s expert cheerleader tips.

Don’t fret on wardrobe.

“You don’t have to spend a lot of money on an outfit for tryouts — you can buy a triangle top from Target or wherever. You can rhinestone it yourself if you want a little bling or leave it plain as long as it looks good on you. Also choose a good color for yourself. Add some black hotpants and you are set.”

Why not?

“There are many different positions we are looking for at tryouts. Not only cheerleaders, but we also look for the Grid Iron Gang (spirit promo group) and sometimes even select media game day hostesses. You have nothing to lose by coming — there’s something for everyone.”

HTC Cheerleader Tryout Tips

HTC Cheerleader Tryout Poster

Leave the wardrobe malfunctions to Janet Jackson.

“Always make sure you stay in your outfit. Make sure you tie your knot on your top very tight and safety pins are your best friend! Support is always good. You can wear a convertible bra underneath your outfit. (You can find them at Victoria’s Secret, Target, Walmart, JCPenney . . .)”

Not all blondes are the same.

“What tryout number you get is important. When you get in line to get your number on the day of tryouts, make sure you’re not behind a person who looks like you. If she is a blonde and you are a blonde, try to find someone else to get behind who doesn’t look anything like you so you won’t be compared to the other blonde. That will get harder to do in the further rounds, but at least it will buy you some time.”

Beware of muffin top.

“Do not wear pantyhose that have the panty control top line. Make sure your pantyhose are sheer to waist.”

Good rule of thumb for life in general.

“Always be nice — you never know who’s looking at you. A few people have been cut before they even walk in the door.”

And if you need a last minute charge to get you going for Saturday’s tryouts, check out this video courtesy of the Houston Texans cheerleaders. Good luck to all and tweet your tryout photos to @CultureMap if you want the chance to be featured in a future story.

This article was featured on Culture Map, Houston’s Daily Digital Magazine in the sport’s section.

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