Merry Quitness

Merry Quitness – My Book Review of The Whore Of Akron

After reading every word of Scott Raab’s 300-page book, The Whore of Akron: One Man’s Search for the Soul of LeBron James, I find myself still questioning if I can relate or take at face value his extreme disdain for LeBron James and his multiple indiscretions and ultimately, The Decision.

Being from Virginia, a hometown loyalty to any team in sports is lost on me. As a state, we have no collective team (the Redskins surely don’t count, because they are the Washington Redskins, and more confusingly, their stadium is in Landover, Maryland). While that is in no way to say Virginians can’t be loyal fans, that whole “I live and die by Cleveland sport’s” mentality in which Raab bears is not something I can genuinely relate to. My loyalties to teams are as follows (and in order), the Philadelphia Eagles, the Texas Rangers (thanks to the 1993 Nolan Ryan and Robin Ventura fight which proved to my father that sometimes fighting is a legitimate necessity), and yes, loyally amidst all the bandwagoners, I am a Miami Heat fan.

Before you continue reading, here is full disclosure in its purest form: I think Scott Raab is one hell of a writer. He’s one of the reasons I want my own byline in Esquire, hopefully very soon. I also love my Miami Heat (with or without King James), but as he leads my team to hopefully another run at the Championship (this time winning), I too, support him. After reading this in-depth view of Raab’s transparent hate for LeBron, it makes me want to personally alert a team of armed guards for LBJ’s protection, but as a sport’s fanatic myself, and one who relies heavily on the First Amendment, I can somewhat relate and surely appreciate.

Cleveland fans have had a rough go, easily summed up here: “It is forever fourth down and 98 yards to go here, the Broncos’ ball, with the Browns four minutes from their first Super Bowl; forever the ninth inning of Game 7, the Tribe leading by a run, three outs away from their first World Series win since 1948; forever the last second of Game 5 against the Bulls in 1989, with the Cavaliers up one and Michael Jordan with the ball.” Raab set out to write a book about the LeBron legacy, but like a drunk Snooki, things quickly changed. Raab had high hopes that LeBron would change all the negative and heartbroken hysteria highlighted above, but the second his “loyalty” hit ESPN, Raab and many other fans set out for revenge on King James. Or more accurately, the 3,600 seconds he plastered said loyalty over a supposed unbiased network.

There are many parts of this book I can’t relate to – the constant and lifelong heartache the Cleveland sport’s community feels, the infinite Jewish references, and the constant visual images of Raab asking for (or more commonly being offered) handjobs by his doting wife Lisa. No one has ever offered me a handjob (or asked for one) after watching LeBron post his fifteenth straight triple-double.

I like to think of myself as a loyal person, but it’s hard to put myself in LeBron’s Nikes. Sure, it would have been a storybook fairytale in any arena had he stayed with the Cavs and finally brought a ring to a city that so desperately needed and wanted it. But I ask myself, if I had a boyfriend of seven years who I loved dearly, but the chance to be with my girl crush Jessica Biel presented itself, would I remain loyal to said boyfriend? Ideally he’d be all for it and allow me to have both him and J. Biel, but things don’t quite work like that in the NBA. LeBron didn’t have the choice to stay loyal and get a ring. Or did he?

“Those Cleveland fans knew for the first time what utter fools they had been to believe that LeBron James ever gave a damn about anything but LeBron James.” One of Raab’s rants tackling an interview LeBron gave after his egotistical highlight, The Decision: “Maybe the ones burning my jersey were never LeBron fans anyway.” Raab brings up a supremely cogent point, which many young athletes as well as fans don’t get. It’s the whole rooting for laundry concept. You aren’t a fan of that particular player or even that jersey – “the names on the back of the jersey will change as the years go by.” Cleveland fans loved LeBron and rooted for him because he was on their team, not the other way around. LeBron was the first one-namer the town of Cleveland has ever recognized, but with no rings, perhaps it was all in vain.

But one question I still have: can you blame him?

Raab is spot-on when he calls LeBron, “A brand name with no more substance than a marketing plan to move shoes and soft drinks,” but sadly and truly, isn’t that what sports have become? Long gone are the days where loyal and respectable players like Craig Biggio, Walter Payton, Larry Bird, Cal Ripken Jr., David Robinson and Ryan Giggs abound. We are starting to see more and more King James’ across the leagues that have the ability to hold acronyms like ESPN and NBA by the balls since day one.

Raab reminds us as fans, your voice may be gone from screaming profanities and cheers in stadiums, arenas or your rocking chair at home, but your heart? Your heart should never be gone. Spoken like a true Cleveland native.

As it doesn’t look like Clevelanders will be getting any championships this Christmas, may I suggest this book as a damn fine consolation prize? Due to LeBron’s multiple playoff breakdowns, you can easily wrap the gift and label it “Merry Quitness” for sport’s fans everywhere. Yes, even Heat fans. Because if there’s one thing you can’t debate about King James, it’s his 4th quarter playoff disappearances.

Buy The Book.

Dear Raab,

Please continue to hang on to your Browns ticket stub from 1964 and I’ll hold on to this book you sent me with post-it flags and scribbled up margins, serving as reminders to us both for the hope and dreams we are each holding out for. You, that you and your city will once again see another Championship of some kind, and me, that being a sport’s writer letting it all hang out, may some day get me a book deal and notoriety that only true greats indeed accomplish.

Thanks again for the book. I do expect an autograph if we ever meet. 

This article was featured on Culture Map, Houston’s Daily Digital Magazine in the sport’s section.

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A Love for Fashion. And Football.

In an effort to show you that girls can love sports, know sports, and look mighty fine wearing a jersey, I rounded up ten girls and paired each of them with some of the latest fall fashions from one of the hottest stores in Houston; Tootsies.

Here’s a glimpse of the girls and a little history on how each of them came to love their respective teams. While I can’t wholly vouch these girls know their teams as well as I know my Dream Team (let the jokes ensue), I did give them a thorough interview – some passed the test with flying colors, others just knew the colors. I also asked the girls to rank their undying devotion for their boys on the field from 1-10, with 10 being the biggest fan ever. Take a look for yourself and leave a comment who your favorite girl and/or team is.

Sophie Jones | 30 | Marketing in Oil and Gas | Indianapolis Colts

“I want to be a fan of the Texans, but it’s hard. I grew up in the Oilers era and the Texans just aren’t the same,” Sophie admits. Like many Indy fans, her love for the Colts really centers on the man in the pocket, Peyton Manning. She also grew extremely fond of the team during the Jim Mora period when we had his multiple illustrious playoff tirades. Who doesn’t remember those days? And better yet, who wouldn’t love a team led by such an intense personality? (Sophie is wearing Citizens of Humanity cropped skinny jeans and a Citizens of Humanity jacket.)

Fan Scale: 7. (She’s only torn in her allegiance to the Colts when they take on the Houston Texans, but so far that hasn’t affected her devotion too much.)

The Colts in your own words? Classy.

 

Jamie Honeycutt | 30 | Public Affairs | Houston Texans 

“I grew up an Oilers fan and when we didn’t have a team, I didn’t jump on the Cowboys bandwagon like others did. I always held out hope we’d get a new team. And now I just love my Houston Texans,” Jamie says. She’s also a big fan of Owen Daniels (whose Pro Bowl jersey she is sporting, thanks to Owen himself). “He’s definitely my favorite player because of his involvement with Blondes vs Brunettes and other charities. He has such a good heart, is down to earth and willing to go the extra mile to help his team and local charities. What else can you ask for in your favorite player?” Good question Jamie, good question. A big thanks to Owen for lending his jersey for this shoot. (Jamie is wearing a pink jacket from Mother Jeans.)

Fan Scale: 8.5

The Texans in your own words? Up and coming super stars. Super Bowl champs even.

 

Leigh Evans | 30 | Founder of GirlAroundTown.net | New York Giants

I love it when girls are frank with how they fell in love with their teams, and Leigh holds nothing back. A girl after my own heart. “The Giants are my favorite team and have been for some time. I always spent Sundays watching football with my dad and I used to pick teams based on how cute the boys on the team were. Back then I had a HUGE crush on Jeremy Shockey – apparently long blonde hair and tatted up guys are my thing,” she jokes. Later Leigh moved to New York for a few years where her love for the Giants only grew stronger. (Leigh is wearing a Dolce Cabo fur vest and J Brand Pencil Leg jeans.)

Fan Scale: 7.5

The Giants in your own words? Fighters.

 

Andrea Simmons | 25 | Owner and Makeup Artist at FaceFoward Weddings | Pittsburgh Steelers

Growing up, Andrea found herself in the bar scene even at an early age. No, she wasn’t neglected nor did she present with a drinking problem like Drew Barrymore. Her dad owned quite a few bars in the area. One of her best childhood memories was visiting the bar (before it opened to the public) and playing silly games with one of the bartenders who just so happened to be a huge Steelers fan. Seeing his intensity and love not only for the sport but the men in black and yellow made her an immediate fan. “Not to mention I freaking adore Troy Polamalu,” she adds. Off the field she thinks the Head and Shoulders commercials really shows off his sense of humor. As someone who craves extra volume in her hair, I’d love to interview Troy on some of his secrets. (Andrea is wearing an Alice + Olivia skirt and shoes from Louis Vuitton.)

Fan Scale: 8.5

The Steelers in your own words? Fun and aggressive. But at the same time.

 

Missy Sucre | 26 | Sales and Marketing | Dallas Cowboys

Although her heart always has and always will belong to the Houston Oilers, Missy chose to sport a Dallas Cowboys throwback jersey for the shoot. “Deion Sanders is my favorite player of all time and this particular throwback reminds me of the last days when Deion played so I felt it fitting to wear it,” she says. When asked her thoughts about the controversial and often joked about DIRECTV commercials with Deion flying around as a fairy, she thinks they’re hilarious. “It’s very primetime of him,” she explains. (Missy is wearing a purple skirt by Milly.)

Fan Scale (Cowboys): 2. Fan Scale (Deion): 10+

The Cowboys in your own words? Wrong time. Deion in your own words? Primetime

 

 

Chelsey Hearen | 25 | Accounting | New Orleans Saints 

“I’m a hometown girl so the Texans are my number one team,” Chelsey clarifies. After Hurricane Katrina, Chelsey, along with many others saw firsthand how inspirational the Saints were. “They were so instrumental in bringing the town back together after a tragedy of that magnitude,” she says. “If you’ve ever been to the Superdome you how much the town thrives on those games – it’s definitely a feel good moment in sports on pretty much a weekly basis,” she continues. Chelsey also rates Drew Brees as one of the best QBs in the league, and I can’t argue with her there. “He’s very humble, a family fan, and fun to watch,” she adds. Just another reason to root for NOLA. (Chelsey is wearing a skirt and belt – both BCBG.)

Fan Scale: 8

The Saints in your own words? Inspirational.

 

Narisa Dudonsky | 29 | Optometry | St. Louis Rams

A fan since the days when the Rams played in LA, Narisa admits her admiration for the Rams came about as consequence of the big rivalry with the Raiders. “I can’t stand the Raiders so I went for their arch enemy in the game,” she puts it bluntly. Originally from Seattle, she recognized early on she was a dysfunctional kid. “My whole family liked the Seahawks and I just wanted to be different. That along with my disdain for the Raiders made me a lifelong Rams fan,” she explains. Narisa also holds a lot of Houston Texans love in her heart and has been a season ticket holder since she moved here. The two teams have only played twice with the series tied at one win a piece. (Narisa is wearing pants by M Missoni, vest by Adrienne Landau, and Valentino shoes.)

Fan Scale: 7.5

The Rams in your own words? Better than the Raiders, baby!

 

Ashley Wundrum | 27 | Middle School Teacher | Chicago Bears 

Growing up in Iowa, Ashley has cheered for the Bears since before she can remember. “Chicago was the closest big city to us, so we all took them on as our team, and I’ve been a fan ever since,” she explains. Like many fans, Ashley’s quick to admit that although she roots for the navy and orange with everything’s she got, the season is much more fun to watch when they are winning. I guess that means she’s not watching much this season. When I asked her about Jay Cutler’s engagement to Kristin Cavallari, her response? “Oh, he can do so much better!” (Ashley is wearing Robbi & Nikki shorts)

Fan Scale: 6

The Bears in your own words? That’s easy – Da Bears.

 

 

Amy Macaulay | 29 | Rice MBA Graduate | New England Patriots

This may only make sense to you New England fans out there, but Amy claims she is a Pats fan because she is a Red Sox fan. “Being so into the Red Sox, naturally I just gravitated to New England sports in general,” she says. Her brother moved to Boston 5 years ago, which only made it easier for being a fan. “For 4 hours every Sunday, my day revolves around Gronkowski and his team. Most people would say Brady, but Gronkowski gets me fantasy points every weekend,” she explains. (Amy is wearing Stuart Weitzman shoes.)

Fan Scale: 9

The Patriots in your own words? Consistent

 

 

Jess Braudway | 25 | Leasing Coordinator | Minnesota Vikings (read Green Bay Packers) 

Don’t let the jersey fool you. “This is a Brett Favre jersey more than it is a Vikings jersey,” she explains. “I’m really not a Vikings fan – I’m a Favre fan,” she says again for added emphasis. When other hardcore Green Bay fans felt abandoned by Favre’s move to Minnesota, Jess saw things differently. “I was just excited he was still playing – he broke Dan Marino’s record for career TDs while he was there. I was actually there when he did it – the whole stadium was bleeding purple, so I’m OK being seen in this jersey as long as people understand the origin,” she says. Her love for the Packers comes about like many other young girls – their colors. “As a kid, green and yellow were my cheerleading colors so I guess I kind of fell in love with them because of that,” Jess says. Reasons aside, this girl is one helluva NFL fan. (Jess is wearing Chelsea skinny jeans.)

Fan Scale (Vikings): 5 Fan Scale (Favre): 20

Favre in your own words? A legend.

 

Jayme Lamm | 29 | Sports and Travel Writer | Philadelphia Eagles

Don’t say it – I know all about the Dream Team. I’ve heard it for the past 70+ days since the NFL season began. Vince Young totally screwed us on that and I’ll continue to blame him for the rest of the season or until he’s traded. I find it’s better to blame him than my beloved Andy Reid’s continual red flag botches and clock mismanagement or our disparaging secondary. I’ve been an Eagles fan since Christmas of 1991 – and it all started with a Starter jacket and a set of Encyclopedias. Those were the good ole Randall Cunningham days. (I am wearing a CROP dress by David Peck.)

Fan Scale: As far above a 10 as you can go

The Eagles in my own words: Believe it or not, I’m still having separation anxiety from Donovan.

Credits: Wardrobe (minus the jerseys) courtesy of Tootsies, Makeup by FaceForward Weddings (Andrea Simmons), Royal Beauty Designs (LeRenda Howard) and Veronica Hurtado (you can find her at the Bobbi Brown counter at Neimans), styling by Lissette and Lynnette from The Blonde Brunette, and photographs by Lynnette Marie Photography.

 

This article was featured on Culture Map, Houston’s Daily Digital Magazine in the sport’s section.

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Sprints, weights & dedication: Blanca has what it takes to be a Dynamo Girl

Military Appreciation Night by Chris Beveridge

In preparation for Sunday’s big and final home game of the season against the LA Galaxy (widely and popularly known as “David Beckham’s team”), I thought I’d change things up a bit and profile a girl off the field rather than a guy on the field.

In sort of a True Life-meets-Real World kind of way, here’s a sneak peak at the life of Blanca Guerrero – talking about all things Dynamo Girl and some things not.

After hanging out with Guerrero and peeking into one of their practices, boy do I feel like the Heidi Montag of the world (stupid, idiotic, mislead, etc.). For whatever beguiled reason, I pictured these girls huddled up making glittery “G-O D-Y-N-A-M-O!” posters, practicing the art of fishtail-braids and perfecting their synchronized claps.

In no capacity did I envision repeated sprints, weight training and definitely not burpees. It was like a sequestered CrossFit camp with 20 girls in perfect shape bouncing around in sports bras and sweating to the beat of their love for soccer.

Yes, exactly like every single guy’s fantasy — but these girls have a purpose.

Blanca. Photo Courtesy of Quy Ngo

This is Guerrero’s fifth season as a Dynamo Girl (DG), her third as a captain, and she is only one of two remaining girls still on the squad from the first season. All impressive stats indeed, but it’s what goes into being a DG that makes her worth talking about. Not to mention those ridiculously toned abs and high-wattage smile that gets her additional points.

Organization is the key

Guerrero explained that aside from the traditional halftime and sideline dances and cheers we’re all accustomed to, there is so much more that goes into maintaining appearances and the status of being a DG.

The girls have multiple practices each week that usually last four hours (from 6:30-10:30 p.m. to accommodate everyone’s work and school schedules) learning and perfecting new choreography, strength and conditioning workouts, active involvement in the community, going over appearance schedules and other monotonous tasks to keep the girls on track and in shape. This is their repetitive schedule for about nine months out of the year from the time of tryouts in February to the end of the season which we all hope lasts into playoffs in November.

Blanca spends her days from 8 to 5 as a customer service rep processing orders and ensuring everything goes as planned remedying any hiccups along the way, which sounds an awful lot like what she does as captain. Her duties as captain not only consist of cleaning up the choreography to ensure it’s ready for game day, but also things like processing and updating excel spreadsheets. Yes, being a DG captain requires a computer and a few Microsoft Office products.

Dynamo Girls. Photo courtesy of Quy Ngo

“We have so many appearances to keep track of and I try to rotate the girls through all the fun events. At the end of the year, the girls are required to attend at least 20 appearances so I have a spreadsheet that I have to keep updating to track it all. It’s a very important part of our job because each girl must be in good standing in order to try out again next year,” Guerrero explains.

And yes, that means everyone goes through the tryout process every year, she adds. It’s a way to keep things fresh and keep the girls on their toes.

Intense schedule

Aside from all her DG practices and appearances this week already, Guerrero’s intense schedule looks like this:

Monday – Woke up at 6:30 a.m., went to work from 8-5 (where she spent her lunch break grocery shopping). After work she headed straight to CrossFit in Katy where her workout of the day (WOD) was four rounds for time of: 400 meter run, 30 box jumps on a 20” box, and seven power snatches with a 50-pound bar, where she clocked an impressive time of 20:15.

Then she headed home to cook chicken fajitas with grilled squash for her and her husband. (They try to follow a Paleo diet which consists of eating lean meats, lots of veggies, fruits, nuts and seeds which also explains her great physique.)

Tuesday – Woke up at 4:50 a.m. to do a CrossFit workout from 5:30-6:30 where her WOD was five rounds of rowing 500 meters and running 400 meters. She finished with a time of 29:55 (which counts both her and her partner’s time). Then she headed off to work from 8-5 and, afterwards, immediately went  to DG practice at the University of Houston followed by a trip to the grocery store and home, where she cooked another healthy meal.

Wednesday – Woke up at 7 a.m. and headed straight to work another 8-5 day. Then headed to CrossFit “to get beat up again” as she puts it. This time she didn’t tell me her WOD, presumably because she’s exhausted. Then she headed home to cook some homemade baked wings and sweet potato fries.

Exhausted and just getting fatter following her days, I finally asked her what she did over the weekend. She told me Saturday was family day which consisted of an Open House at the fire station where her husband volunteers and on Sunday, she FINALLY took a rest day. She found some time to unwind from a busy and brutal week and prepare for another one. At least the girl takes some kind of break!

Be sure to keep a lookout for Blanca on Sunday as the Dynamo try to defeat the LA Galaxy and work their way into a home field advantage for the playoffs.

This article was featured on Culture Map, Houston’s Daily Digital Magazine in the sport’s section.

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My Letter to Nike

Dear Nike,

I recognize the potential awkwardness of this letter, but I’ve thought long and hard about this subject and decided it is something that truly needs to be addressed. Let me start by acknowledging that 99% of the time you serve as a great inspiration for athletes just like myself, for the love of the game (any game for that matter), the importance of finishing strong, and all that other good stuff athletes eat up.

Now comes the hard part. I feel strangely justified in writing this because whenever I mess up or don’t meet my goal with your Nike + GPS runner’s app, your voice is less than thrilled with me and you’re not afraid to let me know it. It’s a give and take relationship that we have, so here’s where I have to stand up for “athletes” everywhere and give it right back to you.

A few weeks ago, I visited one of your Niketown locations. It seems I’m always snapping photos of the displays or wall quotes to share with my readers, but this particular time I ran across one I wholeheartedly and adamantly disagree with from your co-founder Bill Bowerman:

If you have a body you are an athlete.

W-R-O-N-G. So. Incredibly. Wrong.

Coming from an athlete as well as someone with an abundance of common sense, I think this is fallacious and sends the wrong message to all the true athletes out there who work hard to meet goals and excel in their sport. My guess (and hope) is what Bowerman meant by this overly quoted and inaccurate statement was that anyone can be an athlete – meaning anyone has the potential to become one, not that everyone is automatically one. No matter how big or small, short or tall, young or old, black, white or supremely tan. There is a differentiating truth here. Every body has the potential and the intensity to be an athlete, but it is not a God-given certainty everyone walks around with from day one. If that was true, why would any of us work so hard to perfect our half marathon time or practice pole vaulting every night until the sun goes down?

Bowerman’s quote just rubs my Nike legend spandex the wrong way – just because you have a body (which admittedly, we all do) does not make you an athlete. As all athletes can attest, it takes hard work, practice, dedication, training, and heart and soul to make you a certifiable athlete. Owning a body, does not, under any circumstance make you an athlete.  Everyone that walks into Niketown is not an athlete. Do they have the potential of becoming one? Absolutely. But are they considered an athlete simply because they have a body and walk into a Nike store? Certainly not. And the athletes that idolize your brand for inspiration and gear would probably be appalled to think you group us in the same league.

Let me ask you this – was Jim Abbott deemed a reputable athlete because he was born without a right hand or because he busted his ass training to make it to the Olympics and later pitch a no-hitter for the New York Yankees in 1993? Is Zach Gowen, the popular and widely marketed WWE wrestler regarded as an athlete because he lost his left leg at the age of 8 from cancer or because he set out and became a Heavyweight Champion after perfecting his high-flying-off-the-ropes act? (And while wrestling may not be a legitimate sport in many people’s eyes, that does not mean the men involved aren’t athletes.) Is Muggsy Bogues considered a highly regarded athlete because he was the shortest NBA player (5 ft 3 in) to ever grace the NBA or because he was diligent in his dreams and practiced wicked crossovers and fadeaways in his sleep since he was of walking age? The little guy didn’t get 39 blocks during his 14-season career by accident; he managed that impressive stat because he worked hard for it. Years of running his little Nikes up and down the court learning the game from the inside and out is what made him an athlete.

And in case the above examples didn’t sway you from the defunctness of Bowerman’s words, let me introduce you to someone who could never, ever, under any circumstance whatsoever be considered an athlete – my mother. I cringe a little at the thought of writing this because she doesn’t like when I use in my writing, but I know she’ll agree with my assessment. At 5’3′ (yes, same as Muggsy) and a weight right on scale with traditional BMI readings, this woman has never done any form of physical activity in her life, and has no desire to do so. She is not an athlete on any level. Of course she can still wear a Nike branded sport’s bra or a pair of blue LunarGlides+, but she’s not an athlete. It doesn’t mean she can’t be, even now, but plain and simple my mother is the antithesis of Bowerman’s statement. She has a body, but is far from an athlete.

So there you have it Nike. I hope this doesn’t sever our relationship and I truly hope you understand my concern for this quote. I’ve suffered sprained ankles, broken bones, torn ligaments, and jammed fingers for decades learning firsthand how much work goes into becoming an athlete, and people like my mom (no offense ma) shouldn’t be grouped into this category until they are ready to put forth the effort to hold such a title. Being an athlete is not for the faint of hearts, that I can assure you.

Thank you for time,

Jayme Lamm

PS – I’m happy to send you my mailing address should you want to respond on the DL along with some new running gear. I could surely use it.

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Shana Martin Rolls To Victory

photo courtesy of espnW and STIHL Timbersports

A three-time log rolling world champion and fitness competitor, Shana Martin offers insight into her sport, training and what motivates her.

espnW: Log rolling is definitely a misunderstood and underrepresented sport. What do you wish others knew about it?

Shana Martin: No. 1, the sport is not dominated by big, hairy lumberjacks. No. 2, It is not as easy as it looks. No. 3, log rolling takes as much — if not more — athleticism than any sport out there.

Read this rest of this interview with Shana over at espnW, the online destination for female sports fans and athletes.

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It’s A Number’s Game

Image Couresty of Tony Moles

Which is exactly how Trevor Hoffman became a wild sensation not just in San Diego, but in the hearts and gloves of Major Leaguers everywhere. I had the distinct pleasure of witnessing one of baseball’s greatest moments this past weekend, at least in my lifetime – the San Diego Padre’s retirement ceremony for Trevor Hoffman’s #51 jersey.

Approximately seven months and ten days after announcing his retirement, PETCO Park and the City of San Diego were ready to pull out all the stops and honor closer, Trevor Hoffman with a pre-game retirement ceremony chock-full of goose bumps. As with all stadiums, I noticed a ton of “Welcome to PETCO Park” signs, but I had no idea just what kind of warm welcome I was in store for and what kind of instant Padres emotions I’d bear as a visitor.

This is no knock on Houston baseball (for once), but I’ve had the opportunity to witness some of Houston’s most recent baseball history including Craig Biggio’s 3000th career hit and Jeff Bagwell’s retirement ceremony during my stint in the Houston Astros Front Office. None of it compares to the warm and fuzzies of this piece of baseball magic at PETCO. The staff rolled out the red carpet from homeplate to the pitcher’s mound, which served as an 18-year path down memory lane as emcee Ted Leitner introduced coaches and teammates of past and present (I desperately tried to find a fitting reference to Matthew McConaughey’s Ghosts of Girlfriends Past simply for namesake but just couldn’t follow through).

A big fan of all things pop culture, one of the best parts of the ceremony had to be the video message from none other than Brian Johnson of AC/DC who had a special message for Hoffman. Hoffman had been using the AC/DC famous hit Hell’s Bells to mark his entrance dating back to ’98 – the same year he became a franchise icon. I quickly learned those dong sounds (yes, dong) had a huge heartfelt impact on San Diegans everywhere. “When we played that song at concerts we used to rock the crowd, but you rocked the mound, mate,” Johnson said during his video message.

Goose bumps may come a dime a dozen in my world, but tears definitely do not. I won’t pretend to be a Hoffman fan club leader, but the ending to this ceremony was second to none and definitely had my Maybelline Volum’ Express mascara running down my chubby little cheeks. As with all professional sporting events, the National Anthem is a part of the game. Probably the most touching gift you can give a man is the voice of his father, one he hasn’t heard since his passing in 1995. As a final “thank you” the Padres shifted attention to the video board where an extremely rare tape of Ed Hoffman, Trevor’s late father, singing the National Anthem at a Red Sox game from 1981 played. The entire Hoffman clan, friends and family alike, grabbed each other for support as they honored the late great Ed Hoffman singing from his heart. There is no money in the world that could duplicate such a feeling inside PETCO Park as this anthem did.

When Hoffman entered the Majors, the career saves record was 349 by pitching sensation Jeff Reardon. During his impressive career that lasted nearly two decades, Hoffman raised that bar by 72 percent where the record now sits at 601 saves. Of course, it’s not sports without some sort of controversy and that would come in the form of Mariano Rivera who is quickly closing in on Hoffman’s coveted MLB record. (At the time this was written, the pinstripe pitcher had 592 saves, plus a slew of post-season appearances, which Hoffman can’t match.)

Although I’m a huge fan of Major League Baseball, I’ll admit there are some teams (which in turn mean some players) I don’t follow as much as I probably should. Especially being in the sport’s writing business that I find myself. San Diego and Hoffman are one of those missing combos, where milestone saves aside; I haven’t really kept up with. It was touching to see the 40,000+ fans in attendance for Hoffman’s retirement ceremony with their cheers and occasional tears, especially when you know the start of the Hoffman|Padres relationship. He was not a very favored trade option as the front office needed to dump salary, which ultimately meant an unpopular trade sending fan-favorite Gary Sheffield to Florida, which brought Hoffman to San Diego as part of the deal in 1993. At the time people thought Gary Sheffield for Trevor Hoffman? Surely baseball operations in Southern California needed to be randomly drug tested after such a trade? Fans were outraged and took every opportunity to boo the rookie every time he took the mound. Hoffman, a rookie in everyway, who at this point had only notched 28 Major League appearances under his belt. Those were extremely small potatoes, especially when a franchise player like Sheffield was involved.

18 years of baseball. 18 years of stats. 18 years of memories. Trevor Time. The Numbers Game:

Padres General Manager, Randy Smith was on the job for 15 days before making the trade for Hoffman who has 601 total career saves with his first save dating back to April 29,1993. Hoffman started with a 95mph fastball whose signature pitch later became his hard-to-hit-changeup. Almost 16 years of his 18-year career was played in a Padres uniform where he recorded 552 of those record number saves. Hoffman was drafted in the 11th round by the Cincinnati Reds and is a 7-time All-Star and finished in the top 10 in NL Most Valuable Player Award voting twice. He became the fourth man ever with 50 saves in a season and finished in the top six in National League Cy Young Award voting four different times (finishing second in the 2006 Cy Young winners). Probably not his favorite stat, but Hoffman became the first pitcher ever not to win the trophy despite the fact he received the most first-place votes. There is still a large discrepancy among the voters if a closer is worthy of such an award, and as a swift kick in the nuts, six writers left him completely off their ballot as their show of disapproval in his role on the pitching staff. Hoffman supported the Padres run to the World Series in 1998 with a club-record 53 saves, a career-best 1.48 ERA (a low 2.76 for his career) and a walloping 1.18 strikeouts per inning. His ERA in save situations was a miniscule 0.49 and the man was a complete stranger to pressure converting an astounding 89 percent of his save opportunities during his entire career wherein the ’98 season he failed just once in 54 tries. This gave him the unheard-of statistic of putting the lid on 54 percent of the Padres’ 98 victories that season. He has 4 National League West Division titles and has been quoted as saying, “the biggest and most coveted title I carried was teammate.”

During his tenure, Hoffman was only 1 of 2 pitchers with streaks of 4 straight seasons with at least 40 saves (Francisco Rodriguez the other) and overall has racked up 9 seasons of 40 or more saves which is virtually unheard of in the game. He has an impressive 1,133 strikeouts and has pitched in 1,035 games. He won the 2004 Hutch Award and was also the 2x NL Rolaids Relief Man of the Year (1998, 2006). Hoffman donated $200 for every save to the National Kidney Foundation in honor of his late father, Ed Hoffman.

Hoffman’s #51 jersey now joins Steve Garvey’s #6, Randy Jones #35, Tony Gwynn’s #19 and Dave Winfield’s #31 in the batters’ eye in center-field as the only 5 numbers retired by the Padres franchise.

Trevor Time Trivia (courtesy of signonsandiego.com): Who are the 3 Padres who have entered games to Hell’s Bells at PETCO Park? Trevor Hoffman, Akinori Otsuka and Luke Gregerson.

The Blonde Side fun fact: Tracy, Hoffman’s wife, was a cheerleader for the Buffalo Jills, where he proposed to her while she was on the field during Super Bowl XXVII. Find a single guy out there on trivia night that knows this trivia tidbit. If you do find one, run, far, far away.

#TrevorTime

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Hot Undies Run – BON

At Houston’s second annual Hot Undies Run, I learned something very important: The simple term underwear is now synonymous with boxers, boxer briefs, loincloths, Spanx, spandex, long johns, corsets, thongs, boy shorts. And treasure trolls.

Underwear also comes in all shapes and sizes. Just take my word for it. When over 700 pairs of undies gather around Rice Village to support a good cause and a local running group, you realize for the first time just how many varieties of skivvies there are out there. Well beyond the realms of Victoria’s Secret.

The Saturday event was a two-mile fun run with a quick stop at the Rice campus bar Valhalla for a refueling of Shiner, and was open to anyone 21 and up “with a sense of humor.” Racers were encouraged to vie for The Best UN-dressed award (with prizes available) and to bring new, unopened packages of socks or underwear, for underprivileged boys and girls in the Houston Independent School District for an organization fittingly called Undies for Everyone.

The idea for this sweaty little fun run came from Carissa Thomas, one of the Brian O’Neill (BON) Running Club’s officers. Thomas is currently working on her MD/PhD and has close family ties to a wonderful organization, the Children’s Tumor Foundation (CTF). She came across a similar idea benefiting the CTF in Washington, D.C. where residents ran around in the cold over Valentine’s Day in their underwear — so of course it only seemed appropriate to start something similar in Houston. In the record-breaking heat.

Myself (left) and Ironwoman finisher, Jennifer Jones (right)

Underwear comes in all shapes and sizes. Just take my word for it. When over 700 pairs of undies gather to support a good cause, you realize for the first time just how many varieties of skivvies there are out there.

In its inaugural year, the race raised more than $7,000 for CTF, but far beyond the money, was the awareness it produced.

BON was launched in the fall of 2008 by Dave Lee — an avid runner and entrepreneur who decided to tie his two passions together. After reading an article in Men’s Fitness about a similar group that epitomized a “fitness culture” in his hometown of Colorado, Lee thought, why not Houston? Sure, the weather may be a bit different than the Rockies, but Houston is social and has a lot of avid runners, so why not?

The loop around Rice is always packed with sweaty runners, but if you’ve noticed an abundance of runners of all levels on Tuesdays, you’ve probably seen BON in action. They meet every Tuesday (rain or shine) from 5:30-7:30 p.m, for a free 5K where people run at their own pace individually or with groups and meet back at Brian O’Neill’s (one of the club’s sponsors) for free snacks and drink specials. Not to mention lots of laughter and great running advice from some of the most hardcore runners Houston has ever seen.

I’ve been given some instrumental advice during my visits to BON — mostly that I run crooked and need to drink more V8. And my doctor agrees.

Lee’s dream in the not too distant future is to expand these free social running clubs to every major city in America. There are already three other local running clubs under this umbrella — CityCentre Running Club (Houston), Goose Acre Running Club (The Woodlands), Berryhill Running Club (League City) — and a fifth is set to launch this September in College Station called Corner Bar Running Club. Later this year, the group will be expanding for the first time outside of Texas to San Jose, Calif., Janesville, Wisc. and Chicago, Ill. – so tell your friends.

Lee is well on his way to making this running club dream come true. And if you know him at all, you know he’ll sure be able to accomplish this task at hand.

Victoria's Secret RICE Angels

For more information about the BON running club, visit the group’s website, Facebook or TWITTER and remember, the club meets every Tuesday for free.

So just show up in your running shoes. Underwear optional.

This article was featured on Culture Map, Houston’s Daily Digital Magazine in the sport’s section.

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America’s Next Top Mascot

Even from a Houston sports non-traditionalist like myself, I have to admit Clutch is one of the best mascots in the NBA. Hands down. Possibly even in all of sports. Yes, I said it.

If there were such a thing as mascot camp, Clutch would surely be the leader, right? Right.

In it’s second year of mascot camp, the Rockets are still the only NBA team to put on such a camp. While other kids are busy frolicking at music camp or fat camp, twenty of the most energetic middle school, high school and even a few college kids are hanging out with Clutch to learn how to be the best. Without saying a word.

The improv sessions and tips shared at mascot camp were so invaluable, furry and scaly animals from all over Texas and beyond came out. Even Oklahoma native, Sam “The Husky” Davis who is only a junior high student at Sequoyah but is so good at mascotting, he’s the Edmond North High School mascot. (Note – I’m not even sure if mascot can be turned into a verb, such as mascotting, but after witnessing this camp, I’m a proponent for it.) At only thirteen-years old, Sam has been a mascot for four years and is well on his way to anonymous stardom.

Robert Boudwin, or “Clutch the Bear” (which we shall use interchangeably from here on out) has been a mascot for over twenty years and is going into his 17th season as Clutch. Seventeen seasons in a sport is tough. For anyone. Think about it. Not many athletes last that long. Definitely not many front office staff either. And if you don’t think Clutch is an athlete or part of the Houston Rockets front office, you surely are mistaken.

Having witnessed just a 15-minute performance for the campers in an air-conditioned conference room inside the Toyota Center, I can personally vouch that Robert sweats more than Kobe, Shaq and the head of Sam Cassell combined.

If you think he’s not part of the front office, then you’re crazier than one of these animated mascots. At over 9-feet tall, Clutch is a living, breathing billboard and an extension of the Rocketball brand. As Robert pointed out during camp, the ball is in play for 48 minutes, but fans are in their seats for over two and a half hours. That’s 150 minutes chockfull of Clutch antics of dancing, cakes-in-face, stripping down to his skivvies and whatever else the loveable, huggable mammal conjures up.

Even schools like University of Houston – Downtown see the value in Clutch’s camp sending their Gator, Donte Lewis, to learn from Clutch. “They want me to learn to be more interactive, like Clutch,” Donte said. Blake Bjostad and Jake Hansen made the 500-mile roundtrip trek from Allen, TX with their teacher to learn from Clutch. Jake and Blake were the only inflatable mascots (“Big Boy” the Eagle) at camp wowing the group with their signature headstand. Last year, aspiring mascot Ryan came out sans costume to learn the peculiarities of mascotting. After gaining skill and confidence from camp, Ryan happily returned this year as the Cy-Fair Bobcat with costume in hand.

My favorite part of mascot camp was watching the mascoters dress up in their own costumes and take cues from Clutch on the sideline. He’d yell prompts like, “show me elated, you’re on fire, confident” for the mascots to act out.

Here are a few noteworthy performances:
Clutch’s cue: Show me dead.
Sarah Alcoser (aka “Kitty the Bulldog” from John H. Reagan)’s reaction: turns mascot head around
Clutch’s cue (to a female mascot): You’re the man!
Female mascot’s reaction: grabs crotch area
Clutch’s cue: Show me you have to go to the bathroom. Number 1. But don’t grab yourself.
Four mascot’s reactions: not a thing
Clutch’s cue: You just got a phone call. It’s your mother.
Mascot: hangs up phone.

I promised Clutch I wouldn’t reveal all his trade secrets, but here are some key components to being a successful, well-rounded mascot I learned at camp:

– Learn the difference between creepy and aggressive (I can imagine this is a key differentiator to being successful at your gig).

– Find a good balance of your skits and innuendos as a mascot. It’s difficult to make the masses (adults and kids alike) laugh at one skit, but think more like Homer Simpson, not Peter Griffin.

– Don’t wave like a normal person, wave like a cartoon character with your entire body. The costumes absorb motion so every move you make should be exaggerated. If Clutch goes to shake his tail feather, you won’t see anything with that robust costume, so he grabs his hips or his backside for fans to see.

– Like Big Brother, someone is always watching the mascot. With over 18,000 seats in the Toyota Center, Clutch ensures even his break time is part of the game.

– Never let the audience see you partially dressed in costume. “Think of yourself like Superman. You’re either all Clark Kent or all Superman. Never a partial variation of either,” Clutch explains.

– Don’t make refs the butt of your joke. Ever. (Especially not the overplayed Three Blind Mice piece.)

– My personal favorite – “If your character has a tail, make sure that’s all it’s used for.”

That’s a wrap on mascot camp. As Clutch would say, “Good work. Everyone can take their heads off now.”

This article was featured on Culture Map, Houston’s Daily Digital Magazine in the sport’s section.

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Blondes are Bleaches.

Benjamin Click Photography

IF BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER, WHAT’S THICKER THAN HAIR COLOR?

Pretend it’s a bouquet, I screamed from the sidelines of practice. Most of the girls I hang around with on a daily basis are born and bred athletes. They’ve watched football, played in co-ed leagues, participated in some sort of collegiate sport – it’s ingrained in their everyday nature.

I’ve had to remind myself each week at practice that not all girls have this same athletic or sports-minded mentality. Many of my teammates have never touched a football, much less tried to snag a pick 6 from one of the fastest route-runners in all of Houston (whose name starts with Elizabeth and ends with Rhoden).

So I decided to stop yelling play back like Asante Samuel and watch the QB’s eyes and instead opted for the bouquet parallel. Half the girls are familiar Samuel as the DB for the Philadelphia Eagles and the other half relate to the played out chick flick scenes fighting and diving for the coveted bouquet – either way by the end of practice everyone knows to go to the ball (or bouquet) instead of waiting for it to land in their arms.

This Saturday our seven weeks of practice will finally be played out on the field. Skip Lee Field to be exact. This season marks the sixth straight year more than a hundred seemingly professional women of all hair colors come together clad in cleats and jerseys for the annual Powderpuff football game supporting The Alzheimer’s Association.

Benjamin Click Photography (Kim Orr)

Blondes and brunettes who might have been friends off the field will stash their friendship in the locker-room. Players are sworn enemies come game day, and rightly so. The Brunettes lead the series 3-2 and after being shutout last year, the Blondes are out for blood. Or hair.

The only thing pretty on game day will be the teams in matching jerseys and the ubiquitous knee-high American Apparel socks that boys everywhere dream about. Girls will come donned in a moderate amount of makeup (if any), hair pulled up (and matching their team of choice as the rules clearly state), but once the whistle blows, the smiles fade away and it’s game on. Bragging rights for the winning hair color are at stake.

But it’s important to note what goes on off the field: heaping efforts of fundraising, friendships (both old and new) and heartfelt stories about why girls are playing for such a memorable cause. In just six years, the Houston BVB team has raised over $500,000 for The Alzheimer’s Association – it’s become almost as big a battle, if not more, on which team raises more money – Blondes or Brunettes?

Writing a sport’s column cleverly titled The Blonde Side, one would reasonably think I would be lending my defensive skills to Team Blonde – but when does logic and reason make sense? As I mentioned last year, I’m playing on Team Brunette in celebration of my beautiful grandma Edna who we lost a few years ago to Alzheimer’s.

The vision of every blonde and brunette playing and volunteering is simple: A world without Alzheimer’s disease.

Benjamin Click Photography

BVB only takes place in Columbus, Buffalo, Chicago, NYC, DC, Kansas City, Austin and Houston. So consider this your lucky day Houstonians.

Get your tickets for Saturday now – and if you’re a fan of this article, be sure to purchase under TEAM BRUNETTE so we can beat them on the field and fundraising!

Can’t make the game, but want to donate?

WHEN: June 11, 2011 – Noon
WHERE: Skip Lee Field, St. Johns School | 2501 Claremont Ln — Houston, Texas 77019

This game was made possible thanks to many generous sponsors, a few of which include: Gainer Donnelly & Desroches, Vintage Lounge, Antique Bar, 2125 Yale, Budweiser/Silvereagle

Photo Credit: Benjamin Click Photography, Makeup by FaceFoward Weddings and Craft Salon for location.

This article was featured on Culture Map, Houston’s Daily Digital Magazine in the sport’s section.

Photos by Benjamin Click Photography, Makeup by FaceForward Weddings

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The Astros Score One With Locals

My parents instilled in me the need to always seek the positive in any situation. They probably didn’t have baseball in mind when initiating my moral compass, but many situations often employ baseball in my world.

In the midst of a losing season chock-full of injuries, an ownership change, unruly fans parading through the outfield outsmarting and embarrassing security, and repetitive loses (did I mention that already?), it’s time we focus on something the Astros are doing right.

Focusing on their local community.

You might remember an article I wrote a few months back – Houston Astros Outsource Creativity – Out Of Their Hometown. I was reacting to a press release announcing the team’s proud choice to outsource this season’s marketing campaign. In doing so they neglected thousands of fully qualified creative geniuses residing right here in Houston – some of which are loyal season ticket holders even. Ones that undoubtedly could have come up with something better. (I still stand by the fact it’s excessively ironic that an agency IN CALIFORNIA developed the slogan, We Are Your Hometown Team.)

In a job market like the one we are stuck in for the foreseeable future, it’s hard not to notice (and subsequently call out) organizations and businesses that forego local resources and push work out of our community on a silver platter. A Texas born and bred entrepreneur, JR Cohen, founded a phenomenal movement repudiating this outsourcing concept known as #SLGT, which stands for Support Local Grow Together.

What started as a simple Twitter hashtag has now turned into a way of life designed to enlighten Houstonians on the vast amount of resources here in our very own city. Resources in the likes of capable workers, supplies and materials. While it’s not realistic to expect businesses as large as the Astros to use local in every aspect, it is appreciated and recognized by us locals when they do.

As a former Astros employee, my Outsourcing Creativity piece really ruffled the feathers of some of my old co-workers. Chatting with a friend, Bobby Forrest, who happens to be VP of Building Operations, I got on my soapbox defending my stance and the importance of utilizing local resources (as well as sermonizing how the creative minds in Houston rarely get enough credit).

As a rebuttal of sorts, Forrest pointed out that they used almost 90% of local contractors and businesses during the renovations to Minute Maid Park earlier this season. While obvious, it shouldn’t go unnoticed that Major League Baseball has an abundance of resources at their disposal for such undertakings. Resources that would likely be more affordable and make the lives of Astros employees, like Forrest and his staff, much easier.

Certainly the biggest “change” at Minute Maid this season was the addition of El Grande, the 1080i HD scoreboard (the Astros are the first team in Major League Baseball to have this type of scoreboard) in the outfield. With dimensions extending 54ft. tall x 124ft. wide and a process taking 4+ years (planning, proposals, bidding and construction combined), Daktronics, the out-of-the-area scoreboard manufacturer came to the table with a list of vendors (that were also out of the area) they usually work with. Abiding by a formal bidding process, checking referrals and going on positive testimonials from others, Forrest felt confident in hiring NEC, a respected local contractor to install all three video boards.

Over the years, Drayton McLane, the newly-former-Astros-owner, has taken the brunt of many fans disappointments maintaining he was an unfit mother – at least when it came to running a professional baseball team. While I may or may not agree with the above sentiment, there is one undeniable quality about Drayton – he appreciated and respected staff and fans alike. How many other team owners do you see regularly walking the concourse allowing themselves to be accessible to almost any and every fan (aside from Mark Cuban of course)?

Taking care of fans far and away includes supporting and employing local vendors (many of which are the actual fans) as it adds jobs and stabilizes our local economy. I’d say making a concerted effort to hire the guy next-door instead of the hair gel addict from the Jersey Shore counts as taking care of your fans, right?

Leading the Astros front office for nearly two decades, Drayton has encouraged the use of local and minority-owned businesses whenever possible. Forrest reiterated this Drayton initiative during our formal interview but said the Astros would not sacrifice quality and safety simply for the sake of using local businesses, hence the detailed bidding process and reference checks.

Flooring across the stadium was upgraded (eco-friendly vinyl “wood look” floors on the Club Level and Media Dining and carpet on the Club Level all using post-consumer content) and the bidding process for the project was like that of any other. “Texas Floor Covering came back with the best plan for not only our stadium but also our community. We were very happy with their work and would use them again”, Forrest said.

Insperity Club

Other notable renovations this season were the Press Box and the addition of the Insperity Club (which boasts eco-friendly reclaimed glass counter tops and automatic lighting features) by local General Contractor, Regas Construction.

Reputable companies like the Astros going on record about their dedication to the local community serve as a leader for other businesses across Houston. If local contractors and businesses are good enough for a multi-million dollar project for the Astros they’re probably good enough for almost anyone, yes?

Listening to Forrest talk about the changes they’ve implemented across the ballpark this year it’s hard to tell if he’s a proud parent or a kid at Christmas. Either way, he and the rest of the front office have an immense amount of pride in their updated ballpark, as they should.

As of now, it’s the only thing Astros fans (and staff) can hang their hat on.

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CREATED BY JAYME LAMM