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2013 Texans Woes

Arian Foster injured and out for season (photo via SI)

I’ve been taking an increasingly undue amount of flack for my recent posts and Sports Uncensored segments, particularly when it comes to the reigning AFC South champs, the Houston Texans.

“Losing to the No. 26-ranked Raiders dropped the Texans another spot in the Power Rankings, for what is again their lowest ranking to date. Houston checks in at No. 29 this week, ahead of only the Falcons, Vikings and this week’s opponent, the Jacksonville Jaguars,” via a recent ESPN article.

Let me start with this: I want the Houston Texans to win. I want a fun, entertaining, high-fiving and Bud Light drinking season. I want to use my extended credit limit on hotels in New York in hopes of catching the Super Bowl with the Houston Texans front and center, like we all expected them to be at the beginning of the season.

But that’s not happening. In fact, it’s the absolute furthest thing from happening. Amanda Bynes will probably be sober before the Texans make another appearance in the post-season again. I hate it, but it’s true.

For those of you bashing my negativity, let me also say, I love these guys and their heart. I’m friends with many of them and see the hurt in their eyes and hear it in their voices when they talk about this season, the same season we all thought made us Super Bowl 2014 contenders. I promise you it hurts each and every one of those guys more than it hurts even the biggest of fans.

A recent Houston Chronicle article started with this famous Albert Einstein quote and I’m not sure there’s a more fitting one in existence: “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Hello Kubiak, perhaps Einstein was speaking to you?

In no particular order, here’s what the Texans have endured this season, i.e. parlaying the insanity:

Pro Bowler Owen Daniels out with a fibula fracture in Week 5. Sure Garrett Graham has done a phenomenal job as a replacement, but when one of your most reliable tight ends is no longer an option for your struggling quarterback, no matter who it is, that hurts.

Texans quarterback issues

Speaking of quarterbacks lets only briefly discuss Matt Schaub’s woes this season. Schaub, bless his little NFL heart, set an NFL record, but not the kind he had hoped to set. Schaub set a record for throwing a pick-six in four consecutive games and the mental demons continue to get the best of him. Then he goes out with an injury.

TJ Yates comes in and doesn’t impress fans the way everyone had hoped. Womp. Womp.

Case Keenum, the hometown local favorite, comes in, plays great, gets benched, which confuses every human who watched even a moment of NFL this season.

Head Coach, Gary Kubiak, collapses on the field and suffers a mini-stroke, scaring everyone.

The Texans set a franchise-record of eight straight losses. Again, another record we’d preferred to have avoided.

Arian Foster acts like a hot mess towards heckling fans, replays his nagging injury, which has now led to surgery and the loss of an entire season, not to mention a whole lot of money down the drain.

Another running back, Ben Tate, suffers fractured ribs, still trying to play through the pain, Texans run game takes bigger hits than a Tim Tebow roast.

Three players are released from the team for still-sketchy and unconfirmed reasoning, one of which a high draft pick, which is a waste in and of itself, and a much-needed running back to aid in the newly desolate run game without Foster and Tate teetering on the edge.

The Texans biggest free agent signee, the same guy that got everyone all warm and fuzzy, Ed Reed, gets released for having absolutely zero impact on the Houston Texans, surprising us all. Eleven seasons with the Baltimore Ravens and only nine games with the Houston Texans, where he only played in seven and was paid $6 million for those seven lousy games. The Texans were 2-0 with Reed coddling his hip injury on the sidelines and 0-7 with him on the field, yet he still has the nerve to say the players, the ones who actually played, got outplayed and outcoached. Ugh…ok Mr. Reed – you only took 12 of a possible 69 snaps that game, so you may want to…

Anyways, good luck in New York.

Brian Cushing down with another season ending injury (AP Photo/Kathy Willens)

And we can’t forget the awful Cushing injury for the second year in a row. Cushing is a mainstay in a leadership role and on the defensive line, adding to yet another blow this season.

Oh, did we mention fans boo’ing their own teammates, setting $200 jerseys on fire in drunken stupor and hopes for world wide internet fame, and cheering our own players injuries leading to Texans players begging fans to act “smart” and “normal” and “with class.” That wasn’t necessarily a highlight in the Texans Fans Are Classy reel seen throughout the NFL.

Oh, and then there’s laces out Randy Finkle Einhorn Bullock, who can’t kick a field goal when we need it most, having only nailed 14 of his 23 attempts thus far. Accordingly to Grantland, Bullock is nearly twice as bad as the second-worst kicker in the league.

But after all that, you still want me to be positive about this team? How’s this for positivity: we tailgate better than anyone else in the NFL, our cheerleaders are the hottest, and we are destined to have a better season next year, simply based on the numbers game alone? How’s that for positivity?

If the season ended today, we’d end up with at least a top five draft pick, so that’s something to be optimistic about. And the strong class of talent coming out of the draft could be a huge bonus for Houston, but the question is, what position are we most desperate for? And do we have faith in GM Rick Smith to draft position players the way we need them? I think so, but not everyone agrees.

I’m still a Texans fan, but I can’t sit here and lie to you, there isn’t much good going on. I wish there were. I will tell you I love seeing these Texan players in the community giving back each and every week even after a hard loss and I get pumped seeing all the super fans still supporting the team. But when we talk about play on the field, I’m about as optimistic as I can get without lying straight to your faces.

November 20, 2013/by Jayme

Texans Legs

Football

Add another body part to Texans 2013 problems: legs

While I have no empirical evidence to back this up, I’d be willing to say more people have quoted the infamous “Houston we have a problem,” line this NFL season referring to the Houston Texans as a whole than the entire combined four decades since the saying first debuted during the Apollo 13 mission.

How many ways are the Texans having problems? Gee, let me count the ways. Turning away from the recent issues we’ve been having with quarterback arms and coaches play calls, now we’re focused on the legs. Three missed field goals in Sunday night’s loss to Indy has been much of the talk this week. It feels like the freaking hokey pokey going on at Reliant, putting the left arm in and the right leg in and all those other injured and non-functioning parts in between.

It was such a refreshing and welcome change to see the youngster Case Keenum chucking those balls in the first half to Andre, we all almost thought for 30 minutes, this is it – we’re baaaack. But then Randy Bullock missed from the 49, 43 and 55 (which could have tied the game) and is only 13 for 21 this season, failing in four attempts from the 50 and beyond. You know, the actual opposite of the definition of clutch, which is what the Texans have needed a few times throughout this six-game stretch of losses. A win against Indy could have possibly, maybe, sort of, brought back a glimmer of hope for this season.

Mr. Bullock is on pace to miss as many field goals this season as our last two kickers Rackers and Graham combined to miss in their three seasons with the Texans: 16. And the Texans put a lot of stock in Bullock, grabbing him in the fifth round of the 2012 draft.

Nothing smells of desperation quite like inviting a guy (Justin Medlock) who got cut from Raiders training camp to take over as kicker, or at least try to.

Sure, seven points are better than three, but points are points. We need to get them on the board however we can, plain and simple.

And there is some Matt Schaub and Randy Bullock comparison – they both seem to be lacking confidence and our team, for one reason or another, seems to keep putting them in these positions where it’s harder and harder to gain that confidence. If you’re looking to me for the answer, I don’t have one, I just feel there’s a bit of a comparison there and wanted to bring it up.

Great game for Keenum but a tough loss yet again

There are only eight guys this season to have attempted four or more FG from the 50 and beyond, according to ESPN, including Bullock, so obviously it’s not an easy task or one offenses find an optimal spot to put their kicker in. To put it in perspective, Bullock actually shows up on the second page of field goal stats over at ESPN.

And I say this as an individual having never played professional football (yay for obvious statements), but this Arian Foster injury thing is getting old. Older than Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan rotating jail cells news. Tate played with BROKEN RIBS – yes, broken ribs. Could that be the difference between a running back having already signed a big contract and a running back hoping to sign one? Who knows, but I do know one thing – seeing one of our top offensive guys continually hobbling into the locker room or sitting on the sideline surely isn’t helping this team, a team that surely needs help.

I won’t sit here and try to pretend there’s hope for this season, but I do love this quote from Wade Phillips after Sunday’s loss to Indy: “We signed up for the whole season, to play and to work and to coach as hard as we can coach. And that’s what we’re going to do with this team. Anybody that wants to give up can, but we’re not going to.”

So the “whole season” that Phillips speaks of continues Sunday in Arizona against the 4-4 Cardinals, where yours truly will be sitting midfield, hoping to catch a glimmer of something I miss so desperately: good and winning football. If we can have more of the first half we saw with Case and Andre from last week, I’ll be a happy camper. I think…at least until next week.

And if you’re looking for a super feel good story in the midst of the bullying issues all over the NFL, check out this video of an amazing group of middle school kids, taking a knee, in an effort to help another amazing kid with learning disabilities:

“Nothing can ever explain getting a touchdown if you’ve never had one before.” – If you don’t get goosebumps and the urge to do good on your own from watching this 3-minute clip (especially at the 2:48 marker where one of the kids tears up at the realization of the power of this simple touchdown), you may want to verify you are in fact human. For serious.

November 7, 2013/by Jayme

Cornering for Tatas

Football

Guest of honor Kyssi Andrews with Houston Texans Brice McCain, from left, Brian Cushing, Arian Foster, Johnathan Joseph and Kareem Jackson Photo by Micahl Wyckoff

While Sunday’s blowout loss against the Rams wasn’t pretty, the pre-game festivities were quite the opposite. Kareem Jackson walked onto the field with his beautiful mother, a two-time breast cancer survivor.

“It’s something I will never forget. For my mom to have fought breast cancer twice, it was definitely a blessing for my family and was an honor to walk on the field with her,” Jackson said.

Sunday afternoon the Texans equipped fans with “Texans Stand Together Against Breast Cancer” pink signs where each person could write who they “stand” for as part of the effort to raise awareness throughout the NFL and its fan base. And while the Texans are undoubtedly making some changes and trying to fix some costly mistakes from the game, cornerbacks Jackson and Johnathan Joseph switched their focus Monday night as they teamed up at the Houston Texans Grille for their “Tailgating for a Cure” fundraiser.

“We all know someone touched by this disease and anytime you have an event, you want to come out and support your brother that plays next to you and the guys in the same locker room.”

The event is personal to both players, as Joseph’s father is currently battling lung cancer and Jackson’s mother is a breast cancer survivor. Proceeds benefit the American Lung Association and Sister’s Network, Inc. Fans showed up in droves to catch a glimpse of some of their favorite players, including Brian Cushing, Arian Foster, Wade Smith, Duane Brown, Andre Johnson, Ed Reed, and J.J. Watt, and support the worthy cause.

Smith knows firsthand how much it means having your teammates there for support. “I think it’s something we always do as a team. We’re kind of a brotherhood and we like to support each other on our various events and various charities. This one is near and dear to J-Jo and Kareem based on their family members’ experiences. Cancer is something that affects everybody and we wanted to come out and show our support. That’s why we’re here,” he said.

Jackson and Joseph were both in awe of their teammates’ turnout. “We all have the same heart, a close heart. We all know someone touched by these diseases and anytime you have an event, you want to come out and support your brother that plays next to you and the guys in the same locker room. I’d like to thank those guys for taking time out of their day and just coming out,” Jackson said.

Saluting the birthday girl

Houston Texans Cheerleaders with Kyssi Andrews (Photo by Micahl Wyckoff)

The highlight of the evening (even more than the touchdown dance contest or the silent auction) was the birthday celebration for Kyssi Andrews who was sporting a white tutu and bedazzled Arian Foster jersey. Kyssi was diagnosed with kidney cancer and eventually had one of her kidneys removed. Just three months later, she began her tough battle with Stage 4 lung cancer.

“Although the odds were against her, God said something totally different,” her mother, Marla Jones, said on stage just before the audience (Texans players included) sang “Happy Birthday” to celebrate Kyssi’s very special fifth birthday.

Jones said the Texans’ love and support “means the world to me, as a mother. This is a very special day because doctors didn’t think she would make it to her fifth birthday. She’s a fighter, that’s all she knows, she’s had to fight her entire life.”

Joseph and Jackson presented the youngster with an elaborate Hello Kitty birthday cake and a walking life-size Hello Kitty balloon. Several Houston Texans cheerleaders gave Kyssi her very own cheerleading outfit, including the red knee-high boots.

Kareem Jackson and his mother, two-time breast cancer survivor (Photo by Micahl Wyckoff)

Johnathan Joseph’s wife, Delania Joseph, marveled at the event’s turnout and the upbeat attitudes despite the team’s loss a day earlier. “I didn’t expect for tonight to be this big, to have all these people come out and support me and Johnathan for such a great cause. It shows what kind of fan base we have in Houston.”

This article ran in the Social Scene section of Culture Map. Click here to see the original article.

October 16, 2013/by Jayme

Notes from San Fran

Football

Texans fans in San Fran (my blonde hair to the left!)

I don’t mean to beat a dead horse and talk about the exact same thing everyone who has ever watched football has been hammering on about for weeks, but WE MUST: Matt Schaub.

I actually do feel bad for Matt Schaub at this point in the game. I still agree he gets paid a good deal of dough to throw the ball to his own teammates, but I see these “fans” continue to rip him apart and it’s downright disturbing. I was at the game on Sunday in San Francisco and as much as I try to forget seeing that poor performance live, there were a few things I noticed. Perhaps you noticed this on TV, but if not, here are my observations:

When Schaub threw his fourth consecutive pick-six (it actually hurts to say that), the TV cameras were probably first pointed at the un-intended receiver, Tramaine Brock, but my eyes were glued on Schaub, mostly due to disbelief. His face said it all. You could see his “are you serious” look through his helmet. I’m not a football player, I have no idea if someone ran the wrong route or something was off, but Schaub was shocked. We were shocked. Y’all were shocked. Didn’t “we” just spend the last seven days working on exactly that same situation to avoid exactly the same costly mistake?

As Schaub reluctantly trotted off the field, he went directly to Kubiak. Who knows what aggressive words came out of his mouth or what he was asking, but Kubiak’s reaction is what I’m slightly floored about: he smiled. The Texans quarterback, with a guaranteed salary of $24.75 million, just threw his fourth pick-six in four straight games, and you smile? Why aren’t you pissed and shocked and upset like all the other 4 million Houstonians? Throw something, yell, make your face get all red and your veins pop out.

Do something.

I know Kubiak reacted in his own Kubiak way, but maybe that’s a bigger issue. Kubiak has spent the past week addressing the media assuring everyone they are working HARD to avoid those mistakes, and you come out of those dirty San Franciscan gates and do the exact same thing. And then you smile?

This is how the game started

And yes, there is a large part of me that feels for Schaub. Houston is being brutal to the guy, and it goes well beyond the field and burning jerseys. They have now resorted to blasting his family about his play (as if that has anything to do with it). A friend of mine was sitting next to Schaub’s mom at the San Fran game and she cried the second he threw that pick-six. She knows how hard this is on her son. She knows the mental demons he was dealing with prior to that fateful throw are only going to get worse. She knows his career is in jeopardy.

At least she had a reaction, unlike Kubiak.

Another reaction after that pass? Andre Johnson.

Again, I don’t know what y’all saw on TV or to what extent the commentators were privy to the situation, but my seats were right there – first row, DIRECTLY behind the Texans bench. Number 80 was not a happy camper and he wasn’t afraid to show it. I don’t think he could even control it. He actually got in the face of WR Coach, Larry Kirksey, and honestly, it looked like he was going to fight him. I couldn’t catch it on video, but the crowd saw it and started chanting Andre, taunting him. I thought the entire Texans sideline was going to explode, some with tears, and some with anger and punches and foul language. And I wouldn’t have blamed a single one of them. This has been a hard few weeks for ALL of those guys.

After quite a few choice words, yelling and throwing things, Andre looked for a moment like he was going to take his jersey off, saying “I’m done.” It was a heated moment, the most heated I’ve ever seen from the Texans. The entire team was shocked. Again, at least he was reacting. Duane Brown and Wade Smith, two of my favorites, out there each and every offensive play trying to protect Schaub, and they clearly weren’t impressed coming off the field after that pick-six. They were reacting.

But you know who wasn’t reacting (aside from Kubiak)? Arian Foster.

Let me reiterate, I’m not an NFL player (duh), but I did play sports growing up. Hecklers get to you and turnovers change the tone of the game, quickly. But my coach would never let me take my eyes off the field and respond to hecklers in the stands. A few seats over sat six of the most obnoxious fans to ever wear a 49ers jersey, and they were giving it to Arian.

One guy, holding up his cell phone yelled “Hey Arian, I just dropped you on my fantasy team.”

Another guy, “Arian you suck!” in a loud and squeaky, yet to hit puberty, or maybe it was drunk, voice.

Before the Texans were even out of the game, Arian was responding back. His eyes were on the hecklers, not the game. His first response to those guys: “I’m rich” with a Johnny Manziel kind of hand motion.

This is how the game ended.

Yeah Foster, you are rich. From that game your back is turned to and has been turned to the entire game – that’s what made you rich. You worked hard for it, but it ain’t over. You got (and earned) that big contract, but it’s not quitting time buddy. It’s Week 5. The other 52 guys are at least watching the game in front of them, but not you.

Then, probably the most annoyed I’ve ever been at a player on the team I’m rooting for, Arian walks over to the side, grabs a sharpie, signs his gloves (which didn’t get much action that night) and handed them to the heckler.

Now I’m not sure what the gloves said – if it was a message saying, “I’m rich,” or some other actual message to the hater, I’m down and can respect that. But just a few seats over were at least five of the most crazed Texans fans that traveled to San Fran to support these guys, and they do it almost every week. Even during trying times, they are still cheering and trying to pick our boys up. But Arian didn’t ONCE look their direction. I’m not sure he made eye contact with a single Texans fan during the entire game, but those San Fran jackoffs got his attention, for at least an entire quarter.

Which is probably what prompted what happened at the end of the third quarter after another one of Schaub’s completed passes to the other team (I’m going to start calling it that instead of an interception…), two Texans fans took off their shirts, AND THREW THEM AT THE TEXANS PLAYERS ON THE SIDELINE. (Then the dumbasses had to leave the stadium shirtless, and I’m not sure they thought that part through fully.)

Texans fans, I get it. Watching that in person, on TV, on a mobile app, whatever, it wasn’t pretty. But to disrespect your own team and those players that are working hard is embarrassing to the real fans. And to an entire city.

For those who traveled and spent all that money, what a bum note to go out on. But here’s the positive: there’s no place like home. After visiting the decrepit and dirty Candlestick Park, I know I’m ready to kiss Reliant’s grass and hug every real Texan fan in the stadium.

Next up is St. Louis. We got this. There’s no way this team can lose four straight, right?

Let’s talk Texans, Schaub, Kubiak, heckling fans, whatever else you want on The Blonde Side’s FB page.

This blog post is part of The Blonde Side’s Bud Light Series. Be sure to LIKE Bud Light Houston on FB to keep up with all the fun things in Houston, here we go!

October 8, 2013/by Jayme

Ultimate Tailgate Package from Bud Light

Contests

Win this Ultimate Tailgate Package from Bud Light & The Blonde Side

We get it – it’s football season and you love to tailgate. At least you should. Now’s your chance, thanks to the brand new partnership with Bud Light and The Blonde Side, where you, the fan, can win your very own Bud Light Ultimate Tailgate Package.

The package up for grabs includes a 10×10 Bud Light Tent, 2 chairs, 2 coolers, an ultimate grilling kit, and hats & koozies and other awesome stuff.

As always, it’s really easy to win this contest:

1. Be sure you LIKE The Blonde Side on Facebook (but you probably already do).

2. Go LIKE the Bud Light Houston Facebook page

3. Leave a comment on THEIR page (link is in #2), telling us where you would use this Bud Light Ultimate Tailgate Package. Is it in your driveway with neighbors, the Yellow Lot at Reliant, College Station to watch Johnny Football or somewhere else? You tell us.

**BE SURE TO USE #BUDLIGHTTAILGATE when posting your response, so we can keep track of all entries.

4. Tell your friends! Sharing is caring y’all

The contest starts today and the winner will be announced on Friday, September 27th at noon! So if you really want to win this Ultimate Tailgate Package from Bud Light, make sure you enter and then go tell all your tailgating buddies to as well!

*A few nitty gritty details, for legal purposes:

– You MUST be 21 to enter this contest.

– You MUST be able to pick up the prize pack here in Houston, TX.

Special thanks to Bud Light for the new partnership with The Blonde Side.

September 23, 2013/by Jayme

Texans Fans = Needy Girlfriends

Football

Andre Johnson of the Houston Texans.

The Houston Texans are good at quite a few things, one of which is staying relatively off the radar. There isn’t a ton of news going on in Houston’s offseason, the drama is fairly minimal (especially when paired next to Tom Brady’s team), and the stars shine just quite enough to get sufficient, but not overwhelming attention.

Training camp is the hottest in the league, but the guys are there to work hard, that’s it. But a quiet offseason leaves room for a lot of unanswered questions by the fans and the rest of the NFL.

Texans fans are now needy girlfriends when it comes to their beloved team. They’ve won the division title two straight years – it’s time to up the ante and get that engagement ring (also known as a trip to MetLife Stadium in February).

This football season has been dubbed by virtually everyone as the all-or-nothing season for the Texans. It’s like taking your girlfriend on a romantic vacation to Bora Bora – you better end that vacation on one knee and be ready to take your relationship to the next level.

Do or die. Marry me or I freak out. Super Bowl or bust.

Crazed Texans fans are ready for a ring (photo via Chron.com)

For the Texans to get on that bended knee (aka get to the Super Bowl for those not following my ongoing analogies), there are a few things we must settle:

1. The Secondary. The Texans are slated to take on a ton of elite QBs this year – Manning, now in his second and stronger season after neck surgery, the always impressive Brady, Andrew Luck who is no longer a rookie, not to mention other new big names like Russell Wilson and the hot-bodied Colin Kapernick.

Last season the Texans were just 16^th against the pass giving up an average of 225.8 yards/game. That’s right in the middle of the pack, neither great, nor bad.

If you dated a girl that was just average, does that scream engagement ring to you? I think not…

Is Ed Reed’s hip OK to play?

2. Injuries. I hate talking about them, but they’re a big deal for any team. Star safety Ed Reed is still battling his hip injury (which he blames Tom Brady for), Foster isn’t currently taking reps, the status on Posey remains unknown and others are popping up.

“That’s part of football, so we’ll get them healthy and get them back out here,” Kubiak said after practice Wednesday afternoon.

Can the rest of this team stay healthy? This is single-handedly one of the most annoying things sports media folks talk about incessantly, and here I am talking about it. Awesome.

With 52 guys on a roster, and 300+lb men slamming their hard bodies into other 300+lb men, it’s inevitable injuries are going to happen. A lot. When guys are bobbing and weaving at unfathomable speeds and jumping over bodies, helmets, and cleats, odds are, someone’s going to get hurt. Probably a lot of someone’s, unfortunately.

3. Along with injuries come detailed conversations of the depth chart – that’s a big concern for Houston – do we have the depth to take over when our starters find themselves in the locker room getting looked at by medical personnel?

In relationships, backups and second strings aren’t looked at very fondly, but this is football and it’s all part of the game. (Seriously, never tell your girlfriend you have a backup though.)

4. Then comes the Schaub inquisition. Can he lead this all-star team the way they need to be led on the field? His numbers are fairly average, coming in 11^th with a passer rating of 90.7 and throwing for 4,008 yards last season.

Last season, Schaub tied for 15th in touchdown passes (22) while ranking sixth in completion percentage (64.3), throwing just 12 picks in 544 passes.

5. We all know Texas is a conservative state, but that doesn’t mean our football has to be. Nor should it be.

Conservative play-caller Gary Kubiak

Kubiak needs to move on from his conservative play calls, especially when it comes to 3^rd and long, where the Texans are tied for 31^st at converting to first downs.

For a more intense look at the Texans 3^rd and extra long play calls, take a look at this Ultimate Texans article.

It seems we may get some answers to quite a few of these nagging questions in Week 3 when the Texans take on the defending champions in Baltimore. Until then, it’s all speculation.

Make no mistake, this is a championship roster. More so than it’s ever been.

There’s just one thing missing from this relationship: an intimate postseason.

For those inquiring minds, Super Bowl odds for Houston are currently 14/1 according to the LVH Sports Book in Vegas.

Oh, and if the Texans do make the Super Bowl this year (which yours truly is in fact predicting), that would make them the first Texas football team to vie for the Tiffany & Co. Vince Lombardi trophy in 18 years.

August 28, 2013/by Jayme

HTC Tryout Tips

Cheerleading

HTC Cheerleader Tryout Tips

What it really takes to become an NFL cheerleader: Most Beautiful squad’s coach gives Texans tips

The big day is almost here. Houston Texans Cheerleader tryouts start Saturday.

You’ve detoxed, spray tanned, touched up those roots, whitened your smile and practiced your highest kicks — but there are still a few more things you can do to up your chances of making the beloved Texans’ cheerleader roster. It won’t be easy. The Texans were named the Most Beautiful Cheerleaders in the NFL after all.

Although registration is closed, odds are, you know one hot lady who needs some last minute tips.

I had the chance to chat with Alto Gary, the only cheer coach in the 10-year history of the Texans franchise, about last minute tips for cheerleader hopefuls. Coach Alto has a tough task ahead of her — choosing approximately 32 women out of the expected 1,000-plus who will strut their way into the Methodist Training Center for tryouts. Although she’ll have some help thanks in part to a few social media contests, Alto has the final say in who makes the squad.

It’s always taken a lot to be a Texans cheerleader, but if you yearn to be part of the squad that reps the back-to-back AFC South Champs — or just want to know what hurdles must be leaped — follow Alto’s expert cheerleader tips.

Don’t fret on wardrobe.

“You don’t have to spend a lot of money on an outfit for tryouts — you can buy a triangle top from Target or wherever. You can rhinestone it yourself if you want a little bling or leave it plain as long as it looks good on you. Also choose a good color for yourself. Add some black hotpants and you are set.”

Why not?

“There are many different positions we are looking for at tryouts. Not only cheerleaders, but we also look for the Grid Iron Gang (spirit promo group) and sometimes even select media game day hostesses. You have nothing to lose by coming — there’s something for everyone.”

HTC Cheerleader Tryout Poster

Leave the wardrobe malfunctions to Janet Jackson.

“Always make sure you stay in your outfit. Make sure you tie your knot on your top very tight and safety pins are your best friend! Support is always good. You can wear a convertible bra underneath your outfit. (You can find them at Victoria’s Secret, Target, Walmart, JCPenney . . .)”

Not all blondes are the same.

“What tryout number you get is important. When you get in line to get your number on the day of tryouts, make sure you’re not behind a person who looks like you. If she is a blonde and you are a blonde, try to find someone else to get behind who doesn’t look anything like you so you won’t be compared to the other blonde. That will get harder to do in the further rounds, but at least it will buy you some time.”

Beware of muffin top.

“Do not wear pantyhose that have the panty control top line. Make sure your pantyhose are sheer to waist.”

Good rule of thumb for life in general.

“Always be nice — you never know who’s looking at you. A few people have been cut before they even walk in the door.”

And if you need a last minute charge to get you going for Saturday’s tryouts, check out this video courtesy of the Houston Texans cheerleaders. Good luck to all and tweet your tryout photos to @CultureMap if you want the chance to be featured in a future story.

This article was featured on Culture Map, Houston’s Daily Digital Magazine in the sport’s section.

April 6, 2013/by Jayme

This One Time, At Band Camp

Football

The Man in the Band, Greg Scruggs (photo via Greg Scruggs)

The famous line from American Pie will live on forever in our minds. But instead of picturing that squeaky little redhead (played by Alyson Hannigan), picture for a moment a 6-foot-3, 284lb guy padded up in a Seahawks uniform. Doesn’t conjure up quite the same image now, does it?

Meet Greg Scruggs, Defensive End for the Seattle Seahawks and former band nerd. Or band geek. Or breakout star athlete who just so happened to be in the band? Yeah, that’s it.

Together we decided to debunk the myth of band geeks once and for all. Sure, there are geeks who play instruments for fun, even on the weekends when there’s a raging house party next door. But there are also nerdy athletes, even Olympians.

“My ‘band thing’ is really my only hidden talent. The big myth that everybody in the band is a geek – that’s kind of a socially created myth,” says Scruggs. “People fail to realize that someone might play the flute, clarinet or the drums, but that doesn’t change who they are. I knew early on if I was going to be in the band, I was going to bring ‘cool’ to the band,” Scruggs laughs.

“I was unique and different because being in the band was something I did to have fun, to release stress and create emotion. I still played basketball, got recruited in college [for football] and was still considered ‘cool’ by others. My band director and I singlehandedly changed the direction of our program – we were strictly a competition band when I started, but then we decided we wanted to hype and entertain the crowd. My high school band to this day is a show band – people don’t look at them as nerds or geeks. I wasn’t the brightest – to this day I can’t read music. I went out there and made it fun. I was the only black kid in my band – there were only 37 minorities out of 1500 in my school, and that made me stick out even more. It gave me a determination to dispel that rumor about band geeks. I think it’s ridiculous. If people stepped away from this socially perceived myth, they’d realize people in the band are actually pretty cool,” Scruggs says.

But surely you can understand why some folks draw the parallel between bands and geeks, I asked?

Seattle Seahawks DE, Greg Scruggs (photo via Greg Scruggs)

“Take Dan Lewis, class president of my high school for example,” Scruggs explains. “He was the biggest comedian in school and he was in the marching band. You don’t become class president if you’re not cool or popular, do you?” Scruggs counters. “He made everybody crack up and they always wanted to be around him, and he was in the band.”

Point taken. What about a nerdy athlete, surely you know a few?

“Luke Kuechly,” Scruggs says laughing.

“People see him on the field and he’s this dominant football player, but in school he walked around with his pants a little too high. He was always studying, all he cared about was school – he was a dork – he didn’t go out, didn’t party, but people see him on the football field and assume he’s got this cool factor,” Scruggs says.

Did you just call Kuechly, the ninth overall pick and linebacker for the Carolina Panthers, a dork? “He’s younger than me so I can talk about him like that,” Scruggs laughs. “He’s cool but sports don’t make you cool just like an instrument doesn’t make you a nerd, you know?”

Speaking of cool dudes that play instruments, it seems the drummer from John Mayer’s band, Steve Jordan, is at the top of Scruggs’ list.

“I listen to all kinds of music. To say I have a favorite drummer is tough. I listen to everything from Marilyn Manson, which is like the south pole of music, to Waka Flocka [Flame], the north pole. I guess if you go east, I really like Zac Brown Band and Jason Aldean, and west I’d go with Darius Rucker or pop like John Mayer,” Scruggs says of his musical compass. Scruggs admits he’s also big into classical music like Stevie Wonder and just downloaded James Brown #1 hits on his iPod a few days ago.

Scruggs, born in 1990 and barely of drinking age, admits he likes musical talent that’s “been around for a while.”

The 6-foot-3 defensive end didn’t play football until his senior year in high school (Xavier High School in Cincinnati), but somehow found his way onto a Division 1 football team (Louisville) after graduating high school. People train their whole lives just for the chance to play football at a big level, how on earth were you even on anyone’s radar, I asked him? “It was a process. My high school coach played a huge role and luckily the scouts came. I blossomed my junior year [college] thanks to my coach. Coach Hurtt molded me into this player and set me out to go train, working on my explosiveness and things like that. I worked hard, let it all go and it was out of my hands. That doesn’t take away from those that have trained their whole lives – it was mostly a blessing, but it was hard work, training, and coaching,” Scruggs admits.

If band members aren’t cool, then why are they wearing sunglasses? Answer THAT, America!

I’ve talked to a lot of players that say their skill is a blessing, I told him. Do you really think it is?

“Well, my oldest brother isn’t nearly as athletic as I am,” he laughs. “I think it’s an ability I was blessed with since it doesn’t necessarily run in the family.”

So you were a late bloomer in high school as far as getting on the football field, and you were the Seahawks final selection in the 2012 draft. Is the motto it’s better late than never part of your everyday mantra, I asked him?

“It’s definitely gratifying considering I didn’t even play football until I was a senior in high school, so I’m grateful to have been picked. There were 10,000 eligible players this year and only around 200 were picked, so I’d say I’m in pretty good company. Not only to get picked, but to play and lead the team in sacks in preseason. Am I a 7^thround talent? I don’t think so. To go in the 7^thmade me a little angry, but I knew it was a blessing. I was just waiting around all day because I didn’t know if or when I’d get called. I could have been playing the drums or Call of Duty instead of being glued to the TV all day,” Scruggs jokes.

As for Scruggs, he’s still playing on the field, but hasn’t forgotten his drummer roots. “You never forget how to play, I still do what I can. The Seahawks have a band and I played with them once. That was pretty cool,” he says.

So next time you want to pick on someone in the band, remember the name Greg Scruggs. And then go buy yourself one of those “I’m in the band” t-shirts and wear it with pride.

Be sure to follow this band stud on Twitter: @G_Scruggs.

This post is part of The Blonde Side’s Momentum Challenge series to interview one active player from all 32 NFL Teams within the short time frame of 34 days. Greg Scruggs and his non-geek factor cross the Seattle Seahawks off the list.

To see this full article in its original format, check out CBS Man Cave Daily.

December 26, 2012/by Jayme

Devon Still’s Sneakers

Football

Devon Still’s Sneaker Collection (photo via Still)

More Than Just a Pretty Penny.

An avid collector or sneakers, Devon Still, defensive tackle for the Cincinnati Bengals, seemed more than eager to put down his Call of Duty video game, the same game he considers himself “one of the best” at, to chat with me about his outrageous sneaker collection.

The 23-year-old NFL star claims he has more than 50 pairs of sneakers, many of which he loves equally and rotates throughout his wardrobe. “The first thing I decide when getting dressed is what shoe I’m going to wear and then I go from there,” Still says.

Still’s affinity for shoes comes from a rather sentimental story, believe it or not. “When I was a kid, my family didn’t have a lot of money. We had just enough to get by, so we didn’t get to have that many different shoes. As a kid I used to see kids with a bunch of shoes and I only had one pair. When I made it to the NFL, I started buying all those things I wanted as a kid that we couldn’t afford and shoes were definitely one of them,” he admits. “I guess you could say it’s one of my most expensive hobbies, I probably buy two or three pairs a month.”

No matter how much I love sports, as a chick, shoes are definitely something I too can get behind. Here’s a little look at our interview:

JL: First off, should I call them tennis shoes or sneakers?

Still: Sneakers. For sure.

JL: Ok, well what kind of sneakers do you like the best?

Still: Majority of the ones I have are Nike. Definitely a lot of Jordans, and a lot of Foamposites.

JL: Ok, I know all about Jordans, but Foamposites?

Still: Yeah, Penny Hardway’s shoes. They’re real big right now. You’ve never heard of them?

[Interview Break: Foamposites debuted in 1997 with a hefty price tag of $180 and were a signature shoe of the former All-Star Penny Hardaway. Websites such as Nice Kicks show upcoming release dates and custom models like the Mountain Dew release, clearly indicating Still isn’t alone with his obsession, er collection.]

JL: What’s Hardaway doing these days?

Still: I have no idea. I know he’s making a lot of money off his shoes.

JL: Clearly. What’s the most expensive pair you own?

Still: My Galaxy [foamposites] that go for around $1500-$2000.

JL: Those are about the same price as the red-soled Louboutins! Do you ever wear them or do they sit in your closet like a glassed-in autographed Babe Ruth baseball?

Still: Oh no, I wear them. I’ve had them for maybe six months and probably wore them twice.

JL: For special occasions?

Still: Yeah I guess.

JL: What about clubs and bars that have strict dress codes with sneakers. Can you still get in?

Still: They don’t have a choice. These are expensive sneakers; they gotta let you in.

JL: What are your newest pair?

Still: My Air Jordan 4 Retro, they were about $150

JL: Which ones are your favorites?

Still: Probably those Galaxies I mentioned. Those are my favorite. I also have a pair of foamposites in my team colors. They are silver, orange and black.

JL: Where do you buy most of your sneakers?

Still: Sometimes my Nike rep hooks me up, but also from a local place in Cincinnati called Corporate. It’s personally owned and he sells to a lot of the Bengals players.

JL: I heard last year that some people were killing over some Jordans around Christmas? That makes me sad.

Still: Yeah, people were killing over those Galaxies I was telling you about – they are so limited and sell out so fast and you never know if they’re coming out again and people go crazy. I definitely have to watch some of my shoes and where I wear them.

Still keeps his sneakers organized (photo via Still)

JL: Speaking of Christmas, are there any sneakers on your list this year?

Still: Air Jordan 11 “Bred” [Scheduled to be released this month.]

JL: Who do you give your Christmas list to? Santa?

Still: Nah, I’ll probably ask my parents for them. I’ll put that in somebody’s ear in my family to get me those Jordans. [hint, hint]

JL: Are you afraid your daughter [she’s two] is going to grow up and love shoes half as much as you? Girls’ shoes are expensive too, you know?

Still: I think all women have a love for shoes so I’m sure she’ll love them that much more because I’m a sneaker fanatic. I buy her Jordans from time to time. She likes them, so we’ll see.

JL: What about one day when you make it even bigger, making your own line of shoes?

Still: Nah, I’m good. I don’t have the imagination for creating my own, I’ll just buy them.

JL: I’ll let you get back to playing Call of Duty. That’s a pretty bold statement to say you’re one of the best.

Still: I know.

Note: This post is part of The Blonde Side’s Momentum Challenge series to interview one active player from all 32 NFL Teams within the short time frame of 34 days. Devon Still’s sneakers cross the Cincinnati Bengals off the list.

To see this full article in its original format, check out CBS Man Cave Daily.

December 5, 2012/by Jayme

Sam Acho Had Me At Hello

The Blonde Side

The Acho Family at the Living Hope Ministries Event Nov. 26, 2012. (Yeung Photography)

Sam Acho Had Me At Hello

It seems once you make it to the NFL level, there are a few things that quickly follow suit. You join Twitter, you get groupies, you get haters, you learn to juggle all these new responsibilities (and bank accounts) and you start or participate in a charity.

To my knowledge, the NFL doesn’t mandate that players partake in charity or non-profit activities, though I’m sure it’s highly encouraged (like when your doctor suggests you lose weight or you shouldn’t park your oversized SUV where it clearly says “compact cars only”).

Living in Houston, I’ve heard a number of good things about Sam Acho over the years, from his time at The University of Texas. Not a bad word has been said about the guy and after his friendly hello, I quickly understood why. I too had experienced that awkwardly intimate Jerry Maguire moment – Sam Acho had me at hello. I was a fan. For about a billion reasons.

The Arizona Cardinals linebacker, was eager to talk about his foundation, Living Hope Ministries. Most of the NFL guys I chat with are monotone, with answers more rehearsed than an episode of The Hills.

Acho, who says his charity is where his heart is, took time out of his busy day of practice, working out, planning a huge charity event and attempting to build a hospital in Nigeria (that’s busy!), to talk about why his heart is so invested. “Twenty years ago my parents started this [foundation] and we go to Nigeria every year and do missions work where we basically give them free medical care,” Acho says.

Acho’s father’s leadership and guidance instilled a spirit of giving not only in Sam, but the rest of his siblings as well. “My dad is a physician – both my parents were born and raised in Nigeria – Dr. Acho has his PhD in psychology and my mom’s a nurse practitioner. They have a heart for helping people, something I learned to value early on,” Acho says.

Acho explains that about 2/3 of the Nigerian population lives under $1 a day. To put it in perspective, I don’t think you can make a call from a payphone or order anything off the Taco Bell menu for under a dollar anymore.

RBs William Powell and Beanie Wells at the Living Hope Ministries event Nov 26, 2012.

“They don’t have the simple medicine we have. They get sick and die, from a little illness that a trip to the doctor would easily cure. Now we are trying to build a hospital in Nigeria,” Acho adds.

A quick search of NFL athletes on Twitter will show that a large majority (I’m not good with numbers) include the word “humble” in their bios. I’d have to disagree with quite a few of them. I think T.O. had that in his bio at one time or another. Point taken. But Acho’s (@TheSamAcho) was refreshingly accurate and truly humble. And anything else warm and fuzzy imaginable. It simply reads:

“I believe that God sent His Son Jesus to die on the cross for our sins. I’m pumped because I know that God will use my failures to glorify Himself. I fail a lot.”

As a fellow believer in God, I value his bio for many reasons, but it’s the last part that’s particularly interesting. You fail a lot? Sporting News named you one of the 20 smartest athletes back in 2010 – only three college players made that list! You’re good looking and have a heart of gold. Oh, you’re also in the NFL. But you fail a lot?

“Yes. It’s something I’ve been dealing with recently. A lot of times we think we’re supposed to be perfect, and when I mess up, I feel I’m not good enough. I beat myself up when I mess up, it’s frustrating because when I’m beating myself up, I’m out of commission – both on and off the field,” Acho admits.

Speaking of Twitter, a few weeks ago Acho tweeted, “Proverbs 18:16 ‘A man’s gift makes room for him, And brings him before great men.’ What’s your gift?? #MyGiftIs” Hundreds of his followers responded with their own individual answers using the hashtag, but Acho failed to include what he thinks his gift is.

“I think my gift is the ability to connect with people and inspire them to do great things. I want to say something to someone that will stick with them for a long time and inspire them to take action,” he explains.

WR Larry Fitzgerald at the Living Hope Ministries Event Nov. 26, 2012

If the Dallas native is so busy inspiring others, who inspires and motivates him? “My dad. He’s been married for 30 years, and still takes my mom on dates every Friday. He works hard to take care of his family. If it weren’t for him I wouldn’t be going to Nigeria every year – he put that in my heart. Along with Scripture, he showed me that failure isn’t the end of the world. You’ll always be able to recover from whatever it is and there’s always still hope,” Acho says.

It’s refreshing to see a guy get excited about something other than an endzone dance. Don’t get me wrong, I love endzone dances, but this is nice too.

Intermittent failure is a part of life – thanks to Sam Acho for the reminder to “keep on keepin’ on.”

This post is part of The Blonde Side’s Momentum Challenge series to interview one active player from all 32 NFL Teams within the short time frame of 34 days. Sam Acho crosses the Arizona Cardinals off the list.

To see this full article in its original format, check out CBS Man Cave Daily.

December 3, 2012/by Jayme